Not Greatest Day

I've been fairly happy with the way I've handled everything since Susie left. To the surprise of everyone I picked up pretty well and I'm still very proud overall. You go along doing pretty well, but what you cannot prepare for are the unexpected things that you can't possibly provide a defense for. That's pretty much the day I had today. I ran across some things ...an old letter from Susie to me, an annual that Susie had written in, some other things. And it was like pulling on the string that can unravel you. So, I don't know if it has a name like despair, or what... but I do know all these feelings I haven't properly stored away in the time period since, just all came rushing up. I remember from other loved ones that have passed away that feeling; how it can hit you when you do not expect it. But I plan to stay away from such things for a long time now. Let time heal before I ever, if ever, enter that trap again.

A good friend sent me a book on grief, and I think its going to be my bedtime reading tonight. Any good advice not only how to avoid such things, but also how to deal with them when they pop up again. I so wish I had not found and then gone through that stuff today. It certainly ruined what up till then was a good day. Days like this make you feel quite alone in regard to these feelings. A spouse, whom you shared so much with, the absence leaves a lonely place that nobody else can really relate to or help you. It is just the way it is.

Ahhh. I just got summoned by Abbey. She needed me and I just got back from helping her. These girls are my present, as opposed to the past. They provide me with the desire to get through these things. My time with Susie was past. The last year and a half we didn't argue, and we knew the situation was so grave that we were a team, desperately fighting something we were told was unbeatable. When you are put in a situation like that you don't surrender, you actually are put in the position of trying to beat the unbeatable. Amazing acts of tenderness and love during that time period. So, I must look forward. Something in you wants you to look back, as if you are afraid you will forget. This is not helpful toward healing, however.

So tommorow is a new day. And although a part of me wants to look back, I learned today you've got to be really careful about that. We did all that we could, I know that. Every day was a fighting day... so I know you cannot have regrets during the last 17 to 18 months. For me, and my family I'll have to painfully not look back too much. I hate that. But understand it is too emotional to try and do. Will look forward and get through this. Let's hope tommorow goes real well. Today doesn't need to be repeated, and I guess it took that bad lesson to show me.

Sincerely, PM