Holidays and more

I must apologize to everyone who has read my writing. I confess I have had trouble composing (for lack of better word) thoughts into something I just felt was worthy enough to be up here and occupy anyone's precious time. I have been shocked by word of mouth at how many people DO get on here! I have heard through different people feedback on a particular post... ironically it would be one I would leave here thinking that was terrible.. and would get interesting feedback about it. Positive as well. I do feel good when that happens. Can't harness it and use it at pure will like I would like to but this is fun for me. (I know... makes others scratch head).

I would like to say that the girls and I are getting along. We are doing very well in the very big picture. I have found that I am a good parent, and I'm not so sure I knew that before. If you could harness love in the manner you harness something like solar power, wow... end of any energy crisis. I hold these two very great, yet very unique kids as my most important thing on Earth. I've had help before and after in crafting these two very special kids' lives! Couldn't be more proud of either of them. The holidays are supposed to be very hard on a family after the loss and ... suffering. And they are. Without help I wouldn't have been able to pull out our Christmas tree. In fact the one we used every year did not get pulled out. Too much. Yet a very pretty tree we had, and Victoria went to the box of ornaments which Susie had a special charm regarding. Holidays were big for Susie. Really big in their importance and the excitement for the children. You only notice the vacuum afterwards. Yet Victoria went to the box of ornaments and selected the ones to adorn the new tree, and did very well. Due to my height, I put the angel on the top, and felt somehow complete with that. Getting her straight was the hardest thing I had to do regarding the tree.
What I want to say is that our family enjoyed Christmas and that we did allright. I'm a sentimental man. Always will be. I have too good of a memory, at least for now! But the big point is that there was laughter and love and true reverence for the event. The picture of us all in varied states of just melancholy is not accurate. A lot of things work on your mind, but I must say these girls are and were hardwired to be very strong, albeit gentle and good young ladies. I could not be more proud of them. Without them, I would not be in the good place I am finding myself. I am getting stronger every month! In September you could not have told me this and me believe you. Yet the more powerful I feel day to day, I've noticed ..quite by accident and to my own shock... the girls are getting stronger and more powerful. I was unable to realize at the worst how much my LIVING and my SPIRIT affects them! So with my love already known for these two, and the new things I've learned (of course) the hard way. What do you think I'm about to do?
I'm going to live. My daughters are going to always receive the most love and protection. Without them, I'm not sure what would have become of me. But please my friends be happy. Try to understand how crucial it is for us to see, feel, hear laughter again. I'm only now catching on. But it is crucial for ..well, everything!

I do sincerely hope everyone had happiness, JOY even. I used to say these words and too many years of my life not feel them. Practice them. Yet in a world, in which hard things can happen to the best of people without warning... you must Strive to Be Happy. I just heard my daughter's beautiful laughter from a room farther from here. It's beautiful music. Have a Happy New Year.... Paul Thomas Motheral

Think I might sing

I am a music fanatic. Can't explain that deep enough. Not only the music but the history of all behind it. I guess a hobby. I worked so hard to collect well over five hundred and way more pristine kept CD's convinced they were the best of technology and this IPOD came along! Holding hundreds of songs. But I loved jacket cover art, especially on the big records. But I also work real hard on the lyrics of my most favorite songs, which there are hundreds. If asked to name my favorite top 20 songs, it would be impossible. But I have watched some of these legends get older as well as their voice, and so they sing differently and not so high and they still make the crowd clap. I thought one night, I can't play an instrument, but there has to be value in the fact I know almost every word to hundreds of songs! Then again, I've never tried this in a practical application so no concert anytime soon!
That's all. Just as Chuck Berry sang, tonight I;ve got no particular place to go tonight. Suppose I'll try to find something to do. I've got to start getting out more, although it isn't easy; have to have it all set up. Possibly my typical last minute Christmas shopping which I need to spend a day or evening in Jackson but the crowds will deter me when I really think about it. Online shopping has been the best!
And I'm just rambling, rambling. Victoria was so good in school play. I was just entertained by the whole cast and thought they were all perfect. That was a good night and I enjoyed very much being there to see my girl. Always causes me so much happiness. OK I must find something to do.

Late Evening of course

I'm up late... of course! Since a very little boy I don't know if genes began to go to work or if it was the fact that my parents would send me to bed then laugh hysterically at Johnny Carson from the den. I can remember being really little and being so mad! What's the deal? Throwin me in this dark room and going back in the big room and having a big ole time? I guess I'm still doing that somehow. I can remember a high school kid and always being one of the last ones to head for home; that time when you had scouted the four lane for any of your last friends to emerge and they were gone. I don't recommend it to anyone. Just telling the truth. I will say you find out a lot of things you wouldn't know any other way that late... but all in all not enough to warrant it.
That's something that kids don't do now. I'm not sure what they are doing, and maybe that's why generations change it all up. We just drove all over the place since there wasn't much else to do. I had a pet peeve about driving so the people with me had to be passengers; and I had most of the control over what music we were listening to. One of the best compliments I got was after I had moved away to Knoxville and I was so lonely. A friend had caught up with me over a weekend home and told me he was with another friend who used to cruise the backroads with me. That friend said they were together and one of them said, Paul sure had some good music he carried around with him. I've never forgotten that tiny little statement. To me it was a huge compliment ... and I did take pride in listening to at that time what a bunch of ragged teenage boys thought was good music. We were above average however. All past. But some of the music has held up. Music can really lift me. I have a great ear; just no real talent. But I can watch some cartoon I've never seen and look over at Victoria who doesn't care and say, That's the woman from that show that used to be on 10 years ago. And I will be right. Yeeaaaahhh!
All of this attempted humor is really a good sign. It may not be funny, but the mere fact I'm mining for gold is a healthy sign from deep within. What else?
I'm listening to a song right now where the guy said a lyric, 'I'm a songwriter, a professional dreamer" ... sounds like a cool job. I could write a song but it would be on the equivalent of Happy Birthday as opposed to anything that won a grammy. I don't know King Tut by Steve Martin was pretty stupid and I rocked on that for a long time in the seventies. Goes to show you. Some of greatest songs in history aren't that HARD. Louis Louis? Course the genius is around the words and the total incoherence of those words. I almost wrote Ray Charles, "Whatd I Say" but that song is pure genius. The Beatles when they didn't have a lot of songs yet written would start that song when they played in Germany and just never stop it. Almost a whole hour on guitars and drums doing the same hook over and over and over. I think that's hilarious but also genius.
OK I'm ending the most rambling post I've ever put on here. Hope it's an underground hit. Paul's gonna live, friends. Some of you may have known that, but Paul didn't. I'm gone.

What do you do with Good Ole Boys Like Me?

Often when I have to write a title, I just enter whatever is up there in the 'attic of my mind'. I had just happened to have been thinking about the Don Williams song of this title. I own a truck, but suspect many dont and wouldn't classify me in the good ole boy category. But I don't know if there is a hard and fast litmus test for these things. I don't think I'm bad; therefore I've got good going for me. Ole is a word.. let me go back to the song and how Don uses it. Well, upon thinking about it Don is talking about men who aren't teenagers, so I might well qualify for Ole too! That leaves boy. Will still have to refer to Don and his song and how he uses it. I think it just simply means not girl, so yes.. using amazing powers of logic I am a Good Ole boy! didn't know that. And to further don's song.. what do you do with them?
I hope some of you have been able to at least smile at the above. I was having fun with it. The song belongs in my top few hundred songs for a lot of reasons. It is a soothing song. The lyrics use powerful images, and describes a man who is going back in his mind at different times; the first part his childhood. How his father woud come in at night with "Gin on his breath, and a bible in his hand". Talking about honor and good things the boy should no.. then stagger a little as he exited the door. This is powerful songwriting. with the right chords, which Don provides.

Proud to at this time announce that I don't think any of the above just matters a whole lot to this post. I do like the way the song lyrics say, "And those williams boys they still mean a lot to me.... Hank and Tennessee". That's talent, man. I guess it matters if you like Don williams or not. Don is older guy, my only chance to ever see him would be Tunica or the place in Missouri. I still would like to see him, but it is possible Don doesn't tour anymore. He has this raspy but gentle low voice and I can listen to entire disc of his stuff and music can make me happy.

September was by far the worst month after Susie wasn't here any more. The acorns had only started being freed from their oak trees, and so I will never forget that period of time. The house empty. So empty. And the whole house all throughout the day being bombarded by these huge acorns which always took a long time to totally bounce down the house and into the yard. I swear if acorns could be converted to gasoline or gold or something, I would be a rich man. 50 oak trees give or take inside my back yard. Squirrel heaven! You should see these healthy and big old squirrels!

As to how we are. I know we are doing better. At first your mind plays this trick on you that if you start getting better, that means you are bad because you are forgetting Susie and not being crushed and crying all day must mean it all didn't mean that much to you. I've been through too much pain by now to believe that or even listen to that. we survived Thanksgiving. It was very hard because we missed Susie dearly. You don't spend that long with someone and not have the equivalent of phantom pain (when someone loses a leg they claim they still feel it because to the brain it has been there always). December is not going to be an easy month. Susie would have turned 42 this year? Six months younger than me. We used to joke about that. Today is Susie's birthday. I spent this week bracing. Thought I would have a tailspin like I have for every other thing that has happened. It didn't happen this time. Doesn't mean I'm not only aware of the day. It just means that I am powerless about it. Of course there is a sadness. But if Abbey tonight wants to laugh and play should I abstain and not let this sweet child laugh? We all know this answer. Susie would lead the way were she here about it. If I had not come back from the hospital during my time of trouble; I knew in the hospital that Susie would do things right. I was 39 then. I was awake but noone knew it. I could hear everything being said, but could not even move a finger. yet I pictured susie and how practical she was and knew the children would always be taken care of... and that Susie would in time probably marry again. You would think that would have bothered me since I had nothing to do but think. Yet I had confidence Susie would survive... even in the big cancer fight, susie was a survivor until the cancer just dominated. 10 years ago or more she and I were going down I 40 in Knoxville going to dinner most probably. We were talking and she said, If something happens to you, I would never marry again you know. I was driving and so probably just said, "Oh is that right?" and playfully she said right. Then after a pause, she playfully said, "I take that back... I might have to marry again, but I'll never love him as much as you." Of course we were young and kidding one another on a beautiful night on the way to one of our favorite restaurants. In the hospital I did just want to say one thing. Be Careful. Make sure He doesn't lie, hit, or worse not care for those children. Yet I also had great confidence in her that her love for these kids would make that a given anyway.
I'm sorry Susie did not see her birthday. Yet if she were to be in the shape that the cancer was starting to cause her to be in pain and very uncomfortable; Susie herself was ready... more than anyone else I've ever at this point in my life known. If they celebrate birthdays in heaven, it will be a spectacle! The rest of us of course miss her sorely. Yet this is one of first times that I have peacefully accepted this today. Of course today is brand new. The first person who would be telling us all to snap out of it would be Susie.
Thanks for listening

Getting Better

This may sound strange, but despite this undercurrent of guilt about it, I am getting better. My sense of humor is coming back, and I'm sure the people I work with and work FOR appreciate that. The guilt is another thing. When you go through something as long and as ominous and terrible as this ..well... Susie and I had a bond; taken years to do and most of the time under happy times and the other before cancer under incredible duress. you make or break during this. Even when on each other's last nerve for long periods of time there was an implicit pact. Upon diagnosis, we transcended even that. I will honestly tell you as I told her, I don't remember how to live without you so there's this piece of me that wants to go wherever you are going. This may sound macabre. Dramatic. whatever...it's not. It is the mental and spiritual pain you are forced to go through. I'm grateful Susie understood, and of course the girls stayed the unspoken and spoken focus the entire journey. I, feeling, not as great a parent as she felt immense guilt these children be robbed so young of someone who loved them so well. Equally. I love them just as powerfully as she, but her flair with them was magic and it is my love for them for which I say this. I know they hurt, and I feel inadequate at times because I lack that maternal ability. You cannot replace that...only love them with all you have. Aunts and grandmothers and other treasured friends of Abbey are taking a lot of the slack in this particular arena.. but I'd be lying if I did not tell you how much I do hate that particular piece of it.
But I can't do these beautiful children right being in permanent state of grief as I was in past months. So coming back to life inside despite feelings of guilt is essential. The guilt centers around an irrational fear I'm in the tiniest way forgetting Susie, and Susie would be first to straighten me out. "Cut it out" would be a phrase I might get or may be getting. Were this all reversed I have no doubt Susie would like a diesel engine just amaze everyone with her ability to keep her eye on the ball and despite whatever deep feelings she would always have would do what was needed not only for the kids but for her. I have no doubt. When in the hospital, when it was the grimmest for me; I could hear everything and despite people coming in who were actually believing they were saying goodbye to me (I kid you not and they would back me up I was in that bad of shape!) I knew they were saying goodbye to me and so was convinced I wasn't leaving that hospital in the good way! But Susie stayed strong. She saw to my every need, never let one visit go unwatched by her but when some of the people who broke down when they saw me, I could hear Susie with her cheery voice helping them when if it had been reversed I just don't tick that way. All I did want was to do was say a short few things to susie before leaving. Be careful. But in my worst moments I wanted and expected Susie to carry on and knew she would. How fleeting this life can be, how fast the winds can shift. She probably was in Stage One TNBC then. So thank GOD my body refused to shut down.
So, I may cry tonight as I have one million times. But I'm going to live and that's good for everyone. I sure don't have it all figured out. But I am convinced that, changed for life, I am going to stay in control of my life for the rest of it. Noone can understand, love and have the desire to protect these beautiful children as me. Some come real close, but as hard as it is and as hard as it sure seemed and scared me so bad upon Susie's departure. I'm starting to not feel so lost. Long term forecast is that God Willing... I'm going to be fine. God Bless You ALL...Paul

Good post in a reply

If anyone could catch my reply to an old friend who wrote some things on my last post, my answer was one of best I've had in a long while. So instead of giving you a post, just read that. I liked it. Paul

Lost in Translation

So, here I am. Don't have any particular place to go. Loneliness? Pretty much a given. Yet it is one of my greatest adversaries. Enough to swamp any one individual who tries. And me, weakened by the whole ...experience, at times unable to measure when its too little or too much. I thank God something deep inside guides me toward the light. Light of happiness, humor and all that I remember and treasure. And who can really understand the fact that it is like an unpredictable 'rogue' wave that comes at you and if you don't alienate, or just make some just slightly uncomfortable you find yourself with more of the same. Of course the children are my blazing light regarding what to stand with sword in hand at the gates. Yet, until I graduate to seeking other adults and having the energy for it (another thing impossible to explain), its you and the tv. And I'm not doing any favors typing out things that make others just plain uncomfortable.
Once when living in Knoxville I happened to call on a friend. He and his beautiful wife had just gotten married and I guess were in their first year when she found out she was going to have a baby. She had just returned from the doctor when I picked up the phone and decided to call. The doctor had informed her that they had discovered via ultrasound a congenital defect that once removed from the cord, the child would not be able to live. I was the first human being other than the doctor who reached this friend at this horrible time. She was not even able to reach her husband with it and as a result I got the full avalanche of just pain. Her religious views meant that no alternative existed but carrying their precious child to term, only to then have to experience the child's death at the same time. And worse, all of the months up until this, they would have to cope and hold on to one another and know that all of this was coming. What did I do? I did a very human thing. The pain was so great, so intense was the heat and pain of these people I cherished as good friends that I quit calling them. It didn't take many years for me to lose contact with them and only recently have I reestablished that precious friendship. But for years, everytime my mind drifted to these two wonderful people, my head would bow with the shame that I abandoned them. As different hardships have fallen on me I reflect back. with my reconnection with these two wonderful people who now have 3 children who are healthy and happy, I have dove headfirst into telling them my sorrow and guilt. They were just too kind in forgiving me. So I understand all too well.
I hear Abbey coming, she'll cut my computer off. Don't get me wrong, these children are my life. But I am lonely and must seek out other adults and try to block and hide my pain and not even mention it if I can to rejoin the human race

Sobbing in the shower

I chose my title because it is exactly what happened today. Whether it would ever be a happy song on the radio I doubt, but I guarantee you anyone who has been in such sadness to do this and has done it.... you have to admit it's a great place to do it!

The house was empty. I had started something I could not finish, which was reading the entry I wrote right after I returned home after Susie had left us. Just having to go back over it. I cannot explain, but it is neccessary and right and I cannot forget this all because of the length of the fight, the commitment we had to each other to fight, and the whole complete wipeout and feeling of failure that morning.

So I closed the book, and cranked up the water and since it was the shower created for Susie when she was feeling bad it has a natural seat in it. The loud crash of water not only drowns out your sound... but your tears go down the drain and you emerge from it all washed through.

This is not easy read material. But it is just the real deal. You go along for a good little while and you are ok. And all of that time, almost (i wish) two years of fighting, I mean...every minute of every day .. the mental fight harder than the physical one on most days.

These holidays did it. Back to reality. Mail just came and every single bill that could come did!! Now everybody can relate to that! I won't sob in shower over that though.
Paul

Thanksgiving Accomplished

We had a wonderful turnout of family and friends. It was hard, and in between laughter and hugs and good times there were many faces that showed a solemn reflection, a large hole in the place where our conductor used to be. I said the prayer, which I remember so often every year Susie would look to me to say the blessing. So often in earlier years I knew there were others who could say a blessing with so much more ease. I never use the same words again, as I notice some people do. I say what comes to my mind at the moment everyone has their head bowed. It causes anxiety and sometimes I would give a good blessing and other times I would want it back. This year, I knew it would be me and I knew it would not be complete without mentioning the big absence physically and in the heart and spirit. I was told I did good. Special moment shared with Victoria, which in itself made the day so special. We made it. Yet it was very very hard.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was bar none Susie's favorite holiday. Year round, the happiest I ever saw Susie in hundreds of situations, were when family was overflowing in the house. You could not disquise the smile, the way she was capable of laughing easier and just a lot of little things.

We are all going to each individually have her on our minds this Thanksgiving. Not one person will be able to go through the motions without it being a large hole that cannot be filled. There are a lot of people still in great pain over this very great shock that she will not be here on that day. From the beginning of the morning before anyone showed up yet, Susie was in her own state of bliss. Very organized, scanning every corner, accounting for all things big and small that would make for a wonderful place to gather, for family and of course, to eat. She was everywhere at once, more concerned with the fact your tea glass was running low than if she had gotten her own meal and eaten it. Every year it was easily one of the happiest days of the year for Susie. She truly found ways to show her love for the people assembled with little things.

In September, which was a lost month to me. Almost with amnesia, it is hard to remember much about it, other than I was very painfully aware of just how much life she pumped in through this home. You only can know the raw and painful feeling of its absence when she was physically gone; a huge crater left where even when sick and weak, she was able to emanate. When we took our vacation, none of us had any idea that it would be just a matter of weeks before our dear wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and more would be gone.

I had had to see this manilla envelope for over half a year whenever I opened a particular drawer. It was taped very tight and it said, 'only to be opened in the event of Susan Putman Motheral's death'. I had the reaction everytime I saw it; I don't ever want to have to open this. When I did, I was shocked most by the brevity of it all. How little she had put in this envelope. Sheets of paper with paragraphs
and each had different wishes or requests for me to honor and carry out
The one that matters tonight is a paragraph that our house must continue to be the host home for Thanksgiving> It was important to Susie that the family not be splintered and that our girls know their family she added it was her favorite holiday and this request was one of the few just heartfelt requests as opposed to other paragraphs that could be labeled unfinished business regarding her posessions et cetera

Despite the sadness that will be felt everyone must realize how important it was for Susie to have written that down I feel in spirit she will be here and it will be a happy feeling although the absence will no doubt cause each of us to have moments of the impact of not having her crusing amongst the groups eating making sure all was well silently beaming and enjoying what she wrote in her paragraph as the happiest day of the year for her she didn"t want sadness and we shouldnt let her down although at times i know i will even now its too early for me to be able to encapsulate this last two years and the extreme emotions just i alone have gone through i will have perspective someday but i know one thing and that is i am going to honor her request with everything i have i sincerely wish a happy thanksgiving to you all at a point during it look around you and relish what you see before you Paul

Holidays

This is going to be a busy week. Abbey's birthday, Thanksgiving, and I am sure something else I haven't thought of yet. I appreciate the patience of the people who have signed on to this blog. As the months pass, I think my ability to think and write will improve. The letdown and exhaustion of our defeat by cancer left me with an empty tank; that's a fact. But like a plant this thing will take watering and care: I am not far away from that> HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Hurricane Katrina

Am I alone in this, or was that not the most horrible reaction time possibly in history? I was watching this piece on PBS, I think the reason for the conversation was the new debate about health care but it had on there a doctor who had worked at one of the hospitals. They were running around with flahshlights to take vital signs the old fashioned ways, food was basically running out and you had a hospital full of people who were in varying states of illness. They went at least five days without any help, any possible way to evacuate. This doctor was talking about how since they were the hospital that took the majority of the poorest people it took the doctor a long time to accept that the reason that they had not received help yet had a lot to do with the economic status of their patient base.

Now I wasn't there to know the whole picture of this particular story but it brought the subject back up for me. I watched as the news poured it on day after day. I mean, it was hard to watch. It did look like Haiti or some third world country, not the USA. The whole subject was so intense for me that I bought a book that was really well done. I think it is called The Great Deluge. The writer was a native of the gulf coast and it remains one of the most well written books I have read in a long time. The writer goes into detail about lets say a dozen or more random people; all of which have their own individual story within the disaster. He divides these up and along with a detailed account of what and when by the government, federal and state, as well as a famous New Orleans DJ who kind of holed up and didn't leave his post for most of the time...that local station was the only information for a whole lot of people during all of this. The DJ would take phone calls, give out survival advice, all kinds of things. I made the mistake of lending this book to someone who then moved away!! Hate it when that happens.

I guess what is shocking is that afterwards considering how big and bad that whole thing was, except for a few books and a documentary, the press as a whole pretty much dropped the thing. You just don't hear about it all that much in contrast to what happened. Of course this is just my opinion, I may be not watching the correct channels and it may be done equal to the insanity of those days. Well, comments are appreciated. I must run. Thanks, Paul

Friday Night

Well in a rare instance the flu or a similar acting virus knocked both myself and Abbey out of the game. Abbey doesn't like to sit around, so when she is fatigued and wraps herself up and lies on the couch you begin to think she is sick. It helped that I was going through the same thing, I had about a one day jump on Abbey so when they called the next day from school and she had a fever I knew it had to be related. Victoria kept her healthy streak going and never slowed down, while the two of us were just feeling awful. I am grateful to Abbey for being such a good patient. Whether it be medicine for her fever, or her cough which took a lot of work to suppress... she might make a face at how bad it tasted, but never refused it. In fact, I think she felt so bad, she welcomed the attempts to make her more comfortable. Today was hard because she is almost over it, despite a 'wet' cough that concerned me and she most definitely had cabin fever and wanted to get back to her routine. But we are almost over it all and I am grateful. As a rule, these girls just don't get sick very often. So hopefully it will be a long while before that happens again.

The girls are doing well and we are quickly heading into the thick of the holidays. Abbey's birthday is the 23rd, which all too often gets squeezed in there with Thanksgiving. Susie didn't write a lot of things in her notes that she left, but one piece of legal pad paper had a list of different little things. Among that was her desire that this house still be the home base and place for Thanksgiving. She wanted the family all here, together. She didn't want it to splinter, where part of the family would go one place and the other part go somewhere else. It is a sweet reminder of her love of family; and her strong sentiment that we all stick together. It will be sad in ways, but this was Susie's favorite holiday. I hope everyone realizes coming together was important to her. There was not one day in which Susie let you cry or get down around her. She had a really solid perspective that did not change. It was important to her that the cousins always have times together and know one another. I'm still in awe of how strong her faith was as well as how strong she was personally.

I would write more but Abbey is doing something very funny. She for some reason wants me off this computer. She asked me to go and get her some paper for which to draw on, and while I was doing that task she came in here and turned off the computer! Funny girl. She has been sweet to me as we both have fought this virus, and I'm grateful to her. Victoria, as always, has helped us and managed to not get sick. She is at the game, and she stays busy just like someone else I know. I'd better go before Abbey comes back to check on me! Please take care and have a great weekend. Despite the bad news about the Vols today, lets hope we win big down at Ole Miss. wooop here comes abbey.... Paul

Made a Change; there is hope!

Since the blog got started, anyone who wanted to tune in and be a part of this particular blog community; the site that created the blog referred to all these good people as followers. I personally did not like that at all. Sounded cultish or something! So, I am proud to say that I found the switch or whatever it was and you are now Bloggers! That's Right!

So, at this rate, in a few years this blog is gonna be jammin!

NITE,
PAUL>>who wants a new keyboard for xmas. please don't pick one out, like a car i'll know it when i see it.

Sorry for the BLOG problems

I am sorry that this thing asks you to be a 'follower'. Sounds like some sort of crazy cult or something. And if you leave a comment at the end, you have to do something complicated or click you are ANONYMOUS, which somebody correctly said felt like the CIA. So, this cultish, CIA thing ... I apologize. I wish I Knew enough about blogs to go in and tweak this stuff out. I suppose some of it has good reasons, if this thing ever went nationwide or something wild I suppose there are stop-gaps in here for certain reasons. But it's so nice to get some feedback. I appreciate it very much. I just stopped typing and realized that I was clicking along at the rate I used to when I would be doing a better job of writing. The click of the keyboard when you're just throwin the words out has its own little musical rhythym. Sort of like type-(tap) dancin. Anyway, I can't stay long, I had just finished a post and complaining about my eyes hurting and head on fire. But I did read where a good friend had to comment and then register as anonymous, and then another amusingly wrote they had now become a follower; to which I don't feel comfortable. I'm sure not asking anybody to follow me anywhere, except down a paragraph or two and if you don't like it or disagree, you can anonymously or get a google account and sign in and tell me what why and how. Ok. Have a good night.
Paul

Renaissance...Sat night...Well Done

It was my pleasure to accompany my daughter and her friend to the Renaissance, (which for me always will still be the old CP church). Before I comment about the wonderful evening, I must talk about that building. Drastically changed now, it once had the most intimate santcuary. Dr. Robert Prosser, now President of Bethel College as well as a long resume of impressive jobs and positions over the years, was the pastor there when I was in my teens. Somewhere along the way as a child I got the impression..or better put 'instructions' to always listen to the sermon. I can't remember the exact day or conversation but it had to be my grandfather. So, even when we attended the Methodist church (mom grew up Methodist, dad grew up CP..halfway along the way, they change churches I think mostly due to my dad's mom..of course without asking me about it and since I was a teenager looking for something to fume about, I probably did for a year or two..all that wasted energy!) But after being told to always listen, whether you agreed with it or understood it or not, I can remember being a pretty little guy and always listening from beginning to end. I also can remember looking around at different times to see how many people were obviously NOT listening; and WOW. The whole ultimate point is that Rev. Robert Prosser is very talented with his sermon writing and the delivery. And the intimacy of that sanctuary... it was small enough to grab every sound, the cracking sound of those old pews stretching out with the people on them, etc. But it was a cozy, comfortable place from which to listen and so from that age forward I cannot go in there without going through just a sea of memories about it.
Saturday Night, a tribute to Rodgers and Hammerstein. Every one of these students were so good it made you proud they were from Bethel. The two piano players...you could not improve their interaction just as much as you could not improve the different duets performed during the night. My daughter is amazing in that she has some genes I don't. An early bird, we got there with a lot of time to spare, but from that we sat where she and her friend wanted to sit which was the front row! You would have had to have been on stage to get closer! But for me and especially during this time that I've been struggling to swim with the rest of the world, it provided me with true relaxation, smiles and a much deeper appreciation of these musicals to which I thought I knew them well only to realize I have only been around them a lot as opposed to using my full ability to listen. And the spirit of fun was infectious. The students up there were all having fun and you sure could sense it.
So it is important to break out. Go do something you haven't done for a long time or ever. It felt good to dress up, however casual that was, it was one notch above normal. Broke out the car I don't drive for weeks at a time. It served as our Vanderbilt Express and so I guess I put too much sad memory there which I shouldn't. Just maybe, the Opryland Hotel with Victoria or something ..if you can squeeze much into that crazy set of weeks that are so soon going to be descending down upon us. I don't like the frenetic way Christmas has become. I mean, the commercials and everything else throws the American at a frenzied pace toward Christmas. One disadvantage of having a marketing degree is that they 'teach' this to people. To study the psychology of people and find out what will make them gallop as hard as they can into the season, half crazed and ready to buy, buy buy. If I had not gone on to pharmacy and stayed within the marketing world, I would be behind the television, finding a new way to get people to buy new ornaments instead of those old ones you used last year or something equally ridiculous.
Well, I had ultimate hopes of being able to post something cohesive and with a big point. I've got a fever that I've had all day and I can feel my head heating back up and the screen hurting my eyes. That's no fun.

But long live the musicals. I never gave them enough credit until my oldest fell in love with them. I was just happy that she was last night. But funny thing, I got caught up in it too. Was truly impressed at the quality and quantity of talent last night. Goodnight.

Eminence Front

The title is a song from the WHO. Written in the eighties, with lots of synthesizer as the 80's seemed to be saturated with. But the words in songs are for me what really holds it together. Steve Richey, my good friend from Greeneville, TN has been one of those who likes to figure out the lyrics in song and especially the funny ones we'll spend a long time working on. Just last night, I finally found out a word in the lyrics to the Rolling Stones song, "Shattered". Not for everyone, but for some reason, I have always liked it. In it, there is a set of lyrics in which Jagger sings, "Schmatta, schmatta, schmatta... I can't give it away on 7th avenue." I have been trying to figure that lyric out for years. Noone ever knew, or cared that much to be truthful. So, I'm watching a documentary on the shrinking American fashion and garment industy which at one time was huge especially in New York City.
My point in all of that above is when I called Steve and told him, he died laughing, not because he had learned what the word meant, but that I had been trying for years to figure out that lyric!

The who song I put in the title is about people putting on fronts; being something other than who they really are and I've always liked it because the song is basically saying, "It's a put on", or cut it out... be yourself. A song I've liked since I was in high school. Why to make it a title for a post that isn't turning out that good except for maybe die hard music lovers I'll never know.

It's been one of those days. Started out fairly well, but at work I found my patience really low. A very strong suit I used to be proud of, because you can have irate people spilling out their anger regarding their insurance changes on you.. and I could always find a peaceful spot and not take any of it personally. I'm just out of practice with it and know I'll get it all back but I'm proud of the pharmacist I am and how I approach it all. Wanting the best outcome for each person that comes in and trusts me for sound advice and direction. It's a good feeling when you do it right and I'm especially proud of our team. They have picked up so much in regard to all aspects of pharmacy and gotten their licenses via the state to be back there and they do an excellent job. If you cannot pick it up, you can't be back there. Super credit to my father who after 50 years in that store is razor sharp and saved me at least a decade of learning the hard way; taking care of people being the prime factor. for instance, if someone is out of a refill on chest pain pill, and doctor is out of town..do not! let that person suffering a chest pain go out of there without giving them that pill. Some places, this happens! Now this doesn't apply to all medicines, etc. And if they have been with us for 20 or more years or even two or three without switching pharmacies, you get a pretty good compass on how that doctor especially if local and you have a good relationship with them on what they want you to do. Most certainly don't want due to a refill technicality someone to suffer a myocardial infarction! I digress. Just wanting to be right back to the same speed I have always been at and due to the past almost two years my mind has been truly preoccupied. So, I'll end this ramble. If anyone got anything at all from it, then God Bless You. I'm trying, and have temporarily lost the cohesion in writing I loved so much and allowed me such release during those high stress times. I'll go and keep at this until I get it back. God Bless.... Paul

Just can't stop writing

Not sure what is doing this, but I just want to be at this keyboard. I should really make this post quick and get on with getting to sleep. I think it may be the oncoming holidays that are working on me. Susie's favorite time of the year; which she would do just so much. By now, she would have the christmas cards ready and I don't have a clue. The tree would be soon to be coming up, however I always begged her to wait until after Thanksgiving. She respected that, because Thanksgiving was her favorite. The house always full and Susie orchestrating just like a conductor with his wand, in total bliss. She didn't write a whole lot in the folder that I had had to see for the better part of a year that said in very large letters with lots of tape to not open unless Susan Motheral's death. I expected a lot of things, but like Susie she kept it very straight and simple. Which made each thing written that much more important actually. Inside there was a small couple of sentences, in it was her wish that Thanksgiving be held here so all the families could be together. It was very important to her that there was no splintering where one group would have it apart from the others. I felt that way myself, so we are going to do it the way we've been doing it for a long long time. Only our conductor can't physically be there. I will be sure she's around, however. So, we will do improv. We will have several conductors and it will be the best meal of the year. But make no mistake, we will miss our conductor, for she had the love for the holidays and that flair to make it like beautiful music. I'll finally stop talking,writing.

Take the time. Enjoy every day. Paul

Another one

My shift key is not working well. This drives me crazy. But I have always been ambidextirous so I'm slowly getting used to my right hand handling the right shift key for my capitals. I have always written with my right hand and possibly it used to be always my dominant hand. Then I 'accidentally' ran over a friend driving a go-cart with my motorcycle in 9th grade leaving bad motorcycle tracks on his back (thank the Lord I did not break it or hurt him worse)...then I went careering into or better put under a 70's model Ford LTD..snapping my right wrist, breaking it. We later found out at the hospital it was broken on a 'growth plate' and at my age this would ultimately deform my right wrist without surgery; so a very embarrassing shot in the rear by a nurse (i was in 9th grade!) and soon they wheeled me to the room where the anesthesiologist got ahold of me and I woke up in my hospital room; unpleasantly confused from the anesthesia. All of this to explain, that year I wrote with my left hand for school, certainly ate with my left hand and as long as the cast was on there, everything else. Showering was a nightmare with a garbage bag badly fitting. Point of all this is ever since I have never eaten with my right hand since. My handwriting is right hand, but can't judge it right because my handwriting has always been bad. Yet if asked which hand is stronger these days, I truly cannot decide. Why did I start this, oh yes the bloody shift key and learning to use the right hand with the right shift key for my capitals. Let's find something else.
I'm very happily learning a larger repetoire of dishes I can make for Victoria. For a person who has never really cooked very much in his entire life, you have to understand how much a victory this is for me at this time period. I have very much taken being the lone parent very seriously; and want to be the one who they think of first when hungry, cold, tired, sad, everything under the stars. I'll never replace Susie..don't want to and I'm sure the children would in secret agree I wouldn't stand a chance trying to do those magic things she did for them. Yet I am determined to be all and do all that is possible. Only after I meet my own impossible standard will I be able to relax and think of other things.
I found a new Jim Croce compilation at a store (can't remember which one) but it thrilled me to hear songs I had never heard before from this songwriter/singer who got cut down way too early. Just songwriting he would have been incredible. His widow and son run a little restaurant I believe called 'Croce's' in San Diego. If anyone is ever in this city, since I don't think i will be travelling there soon, I will happily reimburse you for a shirt/glass, anykind of sturdy memorbilia I am such a fan of his stuff. I'm a music fan bad, and got it honest from my dad so I have so many favorites. I once used a computer database to categorize every CD that I owned; of course this was before I PODs. But it had artist/albulm title/release year/ and about 4 more important categories. I spent years updating and keeping that thing, and printing it ate up a lot of paper. It can be Louis Armstrong, Bill Haley, Beatles, Rolling Stones (who get extra star..they make sure even at this age that if you go to one of their shows, you leave thinking, "that is the best performance I have ever seen!) of course until you see them again. Seventies got so diverse i couldn't possibly name them all. but late seventies/early eighties had some great rock and roll. Pat Benatar, Police, Van Halen the first incarnation, Eagles, most of Don Henley solo..although when I saw the Eagles live, I was blown away by Glenn Frey's singing when I was sure before the show it would be Don Henley who would be the best. Saw Boston live and loved their music. Can't believe that lead singer Brad Delp took his own life. Which makes me remember of course the incomparable Eric Clapton who I never truly appreciated until I saw him live at Knoxville. Such a guitarist he never followed the same path twice. He would just create as he went, and if he started something which would have naturally ended out of sync with the band, he would completely change and brilliantly come right back into it with them. I now regard him as one of my favorites, and his autobiography is so good. He is one of the few who is humbled enough to talk about his alcohol and drug addiction so honestly and truthfully, and then most sincerely talk about how he goes about staying sober. He went to Hazelden, which many consider the very best in the USA. In his book he said Elvis went so far as to drive up to the place (in Minnesota) and while his limo driver stopped, he cracked his tinted window down about half way and then said keep driving! Late eighties music began to change and I had some favorties but not many I just became lifelong fans of. Occassionally someone would come around and I would like it. By some sort of karma accident, I've seen Aerosmith more than any other band. I like Aerosmith, and talk about dysfunction..their auto-biography is a wild book! Just the drug intervention on Steven Tyler made you feel you were in there; everyone in the room afraid of him when they confronted him. But if that band got clean, its hope for every human being in the world! Wild Story.
I don't know if I mentioned it, but I got my water bill the other day and it was for $48,111.15 !!! It took me a bit to come to Earth and realize there had to be a mistake. How much water would cost that? Bethel College's swimming pool which is olympic size or darn close to it wouldn't be that much! A quick call straightened it out, and they were laughing on the other side, so it put me at total ease. I'm going to laminate the thing and think of some wild story to tell someday in the future! Better go! Paul

Blog questions, concerns

For some reason, I am feeling that this blog isn't working out the way I had hoped. Then again, I knew the readership would fall off greatly after Susie passed; Caringbridge was for her and I was only the communicator.. well that's not true exactly. I did pour out my own heart and soul about what was happening to our family. Helpless, but as I was telling Susie's father, we woke up each day with a fighting attitude. Stay positive. Pray. Never give up. I read an article on triple negative just the other day; something I have been very much avoiding since whatever occurs right now it doesn't matter for us. But it talked about how grim the diagnosis was and how with the average toll and ultimate price paid...Susie did really beat the odds for a lot longer than many others with this kind of cancer. The doctor at Vandy had told me that much. That everytime Susie came in, for the longest time until the kidneys started becoming threatened and then the abdomen..that the doctor was silently amazed at Susie. This was in that interview between just the doctor and me. All of it at the time surreal because she was telling me the intestine would probably be the culprit that Susie could not recover from. She also nailed the time left for Susie by less than a week. IT was an exit interview, but also she was preparing me for what I had yet to face. I would recommend this doctor to anyone who finds themself in the same situation. We went to the number one doctor in Triple Negative and flew to N Carolina and this doctor told us she would not do a thing different from Dr. Mayer. Abbey needs me and so off I go. I thought though this blog would have more posts, but I understand.
Paul

Culinary Talents explanding

I was happy to have waiting for my daughter when she got home from school a perfect temperature dish of cheese ravioli! Victoria is very selective with her meals and so its a big compliment when she examines something you've made for her and it passes inspection! So it was a good feeling and being able to not only tackle this part of parenting, make sure they don't go hungry!!

this will be a short post, just thrilled that Victoria not only accepted it, but ate it all. In weeks past I wouldn't have anything in kitchen to feed her in the first place and she would have gone hungry without saying a word! So things are improving and I am happy about that today. Paul

Apology re; blog

I am very proud that this blog is up and in existence. However, anyone who has logged in to view it have probably been underwhelmed in that I haven't written very much. I am proud to be able to say that we are making it! I had a period where I felt inadequate regarding being super-parent to these precious girls. So, I've been making strong effort to learn how to cook things which the girls like to eat; I was getting really good with laundry, but must admit my mother's help has made me get compacent since she has been ironing and making all the girl's clothes look good and selections for Abbey to wear to school; Victoria is old enough to select her own outfits and she has done so good that I find myself wishing I could do more for Victoria. In time I will figure it out. We always enjoy having Starla and Bobby and the cousins come; it helps give this house extra life and the controlled chaos is something I now miss and can see extra happiness with Victoria when they are here. Abbey was taken to a basketball game for the middle school and had a great time! She didn't let the noise bother her and she followed the action of the game as they went back and forth on the court! Definitely more adventures to come for Abbey, who likes being greeted friendly by classmates who now days understand Autism and realize Abbey is very smart and is quite aware of how these classmates give her support. Approval by her peers is something very positive and motivating for Abbey, and she returned from that game in a very good mood. So, with the help of others, I am returning to the land of the living because my daughters are both doing well in the face of this sad time. Their happiness spreads to me, and has helped drag me out of those deep despair moments I felt for months after losing my very best friend.
So, we will keep on...keeping on, and for this I am extremely thankful. PM

Don't know how long blog will last, but price is right

My feelings about the caringbridge site had a lot of loyalty to Susie and trying to do what is right. I felt that further writings by me would not be appropriate on a website devoted to Susie. It is not a website dedicated to Paul writing whatever he comes up with. I read some chapters from a grief book this morning. First time I've consulted anything like this at depth. Good Stuff. It explained why people are having such a hard time being around me. The book explained that people get really troubled about what to Say to me. The book said that this is a big point of confusion, because I kind of need ears... not that much voices or advice. Just someone who will let me wear their ear out and they don't have to say anything profound, etc. But it allowed me to put myself in other's shoes and it is true. If I were on the flipside of this exact situation, would I want to get near it? Of course not. It would be hard no matter how much I cared for the people involved. As with anything else, when your hand is tied to the stove and you cannot remove it; you have no choice but to deal with it, even develop a sense of humor when you can about it. Who wants to grieve? Exactly. Plenty of times in each person's own life where you HAVE to! The point of this post is that I understand. I just have to do what is important, and also a good thing the book said is that all people grieve differently. Thank God. Cause one thing that I do know is that I'm grieving on my own pace and it will be what it is. I look for all the reasons to carry on, and there are so many. I don't grieve for a lot of the day, and then I after getting everything squared away find a little free time and then I don't mind getting through it. I don't think you can stuff it away and make it vanish. I don't think you can 'snap out of it'. I think you'd better get it out of your system however that may be, and then you are on the true healing path. I do apologize that I'm not writing like I did on caringbridge. It is harder to write with any good flow. whoop, a noise..I am needed.. Nite.

Just watching a Movie not long ago

I just got through watching the first half of the movie, "Michael Clayton". starring George Clooney. This is that type of movie I have watched the last 20 minutes of I can honestly say twelve times. But I never could understand it because I missed the beginning. So, the big day arrives... I finally by accident blunder onto this movie at its beginning. So, I'm already not watching it because I have the roots of what I could never understand just watching the ending. All of the above is prelude, does not matter. There is one line in this movie where Clooney stops his Mercedes after visiting his family and dealing with a brother who has had a lot of problems. He is upset, he drives but looks upset and then he stops. His son looks to him and Clooney's character looks back at him and says some dialogue that basically says, "If you do right and do alll the right things, these bad unfortunate things in life will never happen to you." Without even thinking, I came out of that scene and I was physically standing up because regardless of the context or brilliance of the script or whatever.... this is wrong. You can do everything right. As hard as you try. And you had better understand that adverse things are going to happen to the very best as well as the worst...if there is such a thing. I guess, worst means people that make the bad decisions repeatedly. I could go on forever on that one. Just that for anyone who goes through life and believes this can really happen will get crushed with confusion when something unexplainable and tragic happens.

This kind of thing can add years and years to the process of healing. When you understand after a lot of worrying that this or these events were out of your control, you can get on to true healing. I mean, I think I know that. I lost a brother when I was 18 years old, actually about a week before my birthday (or two weeks). I went through this dilemma then. What did I do? What could I have done differently? And I mean years afterward....Sets of 365 days repeated, did I finally exhaust the subject and realize I had used up a lot of valuable twenty year old time.

So, I'm firing off this post and I know its not that palatable to anyone. But it is right for me. I guess, also, maybe I am going down that path and I'm refusing to admit it... just clipping along at a much faster rate. Could I have done ANYTHING to stop this? And how can you forsee TNBC? Fast answer... you cannot. And it makes me feel no better about it all. If it had been in my control, I suppose I would have guilt. Yet I only, do have the feelings of loss and sadness. I had the funny thought as we battled this grim devil called cancer that when the war was decided, after all that time and hard work I would be at some sort of peace. That was wrong or even defensive thinking (kind of like defensive driving), the best way to occupy my mind.

Well I typed until the end of Michael Clayton.......... and that shut me up! If only THAT happened in the real world.
Paul

No way to pretend....It is hard

It has been hard to write. You have to plug in, start, get to site, log in and hope that all of that goes well and whatever you felt like writing, you find yourself at a new cliff when it is time to shove off and write. But I'll try to stand close to the title subject.

Have had some good friends come around and check on me. Been grateful for that, because I definitely went through that period every person who knew warned me about. There is this little hitch in time where everyone I think is afraid they've not understood where I am standing and thinking.. it is the time when they told me, a hard part is when everybody quits checking in. It is a lonely thing, and it leaves this house with all its memories which are still more than memories, they are set habits and all have been kind of lost, unless you can remember them all. And you don't. My entire vantage has been to be central with my girls, and there it has stayed. Their tendencies of their mom, I not only admire but wish I had that same thing; that tenacity to keep on. Yet strong emotion is still at hurricane force (for me), which means it has to be for these children and the rest of the family. So you basically are still free falling and hurting, and you know you haven't reached whatever the bottom may be... but amazingly, way down deep I have a warm light way down inside that guides me and I know in time, with work, I'm going to be ok; which of course means the children have to be from every measure I can take, they have to be doing fine before I think about myself. There's the trick.. I have to come about despite these strong feelings that are really really hard and be ok for them. So, this is where we are... most definitely together and a family as well as extended family and as my friend told me today, "do you know how much people are behind you"? I honestly replied, that I'm in a situation and I guess of shock, or some other emotion that may not have a good definition that blinds me and so I don't call out or call on it... but it felt good to hear it was still there. Of course, I'm just working on the Maslow hierarchy of needs. Sleep, wow, what's that. Food, you think that would be easy, but no. I am at beck and call to every possible sound or other that either of my girls need me. Trying to make sure they know I've got it down, I'm ready and I want to just hug them (if they'd let me). Yet, these girls have their mother's very tough spirit. I just admire it and thank God they have it. I don't. So, I'm working hard to just keep up with them and I so pray they can tell and know that I'm supra-sensitive to helping them. Yet their individual natures play out, and they are going about business at a remarkable rate. But I can't stop this phase I am in, which is uni-parent, responsible for all. And I'm determined that these children are going to thrive! better end with that. Thanks. This was a hard post. Very hard. The ease of words is not there as once. But hey, the last thing I am going to do is surrender. Were I alone, don't know. I guess in long run I doubt it. But I do know which way is up. I realize suffering is everywhere, everyday. I'm not exclusive, nor my family. I could get more of some unknown event tommorow, so savor what you have at the moment you have it. But grief does disable the response time. Peace. Love. Never Surrender. Don't sweat small stuff. I'm rambling! -ha- but its positive rambling,so maybe a good sign for the future. Till next time, I'm going to try to write more after my friend told me it was gonna be good for me. I think he's right! I'll get my rhythym back; when I'm still waiting for that. Sincerely, Paul

Thank Goodness For Tony's Pizza

I have to thank the lord for Tony's Pizza; and the fact I can cook these frozen pizzas. I mean, normally you have to go to a culinary institute or other cooking school to master making a frozen tony's pizza!!! I'm laughing of course, but it is one of Abbey's few foods she will eat and she likes the way I cook them just fine!

It is in one way so simple, yet in another it makes this father so very proud he can make his youngest happy in regard to her appetite. I jump to like a junior officer to a general when she requests a pizza, and I am almost running to start the oven, get the pizza from the freezer and get it underway.

I did not realize that during the time I stayed with susie during her illness, that I was desperately taking notes mentally as to the little things that make these girls happy. It showed itself the very same week of Susie's funeral. Both grandmothers had just about prepared and decided they were going to have to live with me for a bit so the girls would be taken care of and even they were a little impressed that I was as capable with the children as I was. It makes me very proud because they are all I have in a way. My little family apart from my parents and Susie's parents is just me and these two children. It brings a lot of comfort to know I'm holding my own.

Not Greatest Day

I've been fairly happy with the way I've handled everything since Susie left. To the surprise of everyone I picked up pretty well and I'm still very proud overall. You go along doing pretty well, but what you cannot prepare for are the unexpected things that you can't possibly provide a defense for. That's pretty much the day I had today. I ran across some things ...an old letter from Susie to me, an annual that Susie had written in, some other things. And it was like pulling on the string that can unravel you. So, I don't know if it has a name like despair, or what... but I do know all these feelings I haven't properly stored away in the time period since, just all came rushing up. I remember from other loved ones that have passed away that feeling; how it can hit you when you do not expect it. But I plan to stay away from such things for a long time now. Let time heal before I ever, if ever, enter that trap again.

A good friend sent me a book on grief, and I think its going to be my bedtime reading tonight. Any good advice not only how to avoid such things, but also how to deal with them when they pop up again. I so wish I had not found and then gone through that stuff today. It certainly ruined what up till then was a good day. Days like this make you feel quite alone in regard to these feelings. A spouse, whom you shared so much with, the absence leaves a lonely place that nobody else can really relate to or help you. It is just the way it is.

Ahhh. I just got summoned by Abbey. She needed me and I just got back from helping her. These girls are my present, as opposed to the past. They provide me with the desire to get through these things. My time with Susie was past. The last year and a half we didn't argue, and we knew the situation was so grave that we were a team, desperately fighting something we were told was unbeatable. When you are put in a situation like that you don't surrender, you actually are put in the position of trying to beat the unbeatable. Amazing acts of tenderness and love during that time period. So, I must look forward. Something in you wants you to look back, as if you are afraid you will forget. This is not helpful toward healing, however.

So tommorow is a new day. And although a part of me wants to look back, I learned today you've got to be really careful about that. We did all that we could, I know that. Every day was a fighting day... so I know you cannot have regrets during the last 17 to 18 months. For me, and my family I'll have to painfully not look back too much. I hate that. But understand it is too emotional to try and do. Will look forward and get through this. Let's hope tommorow goes real well. Today doesn't need to be repeated, and I guess it took that bad lesson to show me.

Sincerely, PM

Whatever comes to Mind

I'm happy this blog is starting to work correctly. You might imagine my initial reaction after I had set it up (yet not realized I had not enabled others to post), and noone wrote anything! Much different from the way it was on Caringbridge! I basically figured that the blog idea was a failure and that I would just write to an audience of one. I was happy to see some people want to log on and read and more importantly, write.. to spark ideas and I've just always enjoyed it since I learned about the discussion boards on America Online all the way back to 1993-1995. When Autism became a part of our lives in about 1999, there were more limited places for discussion boards and the AOL board was big. Sadly, I think in the roughly seven or so years I was a part of the board of other autistic parents there was only one other father. Doesn't mean there aren't a lot of super fathers who have children with Autism, but they either never found the discussion boards or they didn't care to write. But although we seemed to all be going through the same phase of Autism, 'the younger years", mostly it was moms pouring out their heart and worrying about this or that. Divorce rate probably played its part (it was 85 percent then for couples with an autistic child_has gotten higher in later years). Whatever, I learned a lot and in areas that we had succeeded I shared those kind of victories. I learned we were lucky, due to the fact some autistic children have seizure disorders, gastrointestinal disorders, and on. Abbey's the healthiest physical child I've ever seen! So we were blessed in that regard. It widened my understanding and broke my heart for some of these parents who had more than just figuring out autistic behavior to deal with. It's a shame that board kind of fell apart. As happens, certain personalities clashed and next thing you know the thing after so many good years broke into pieces.
Well, I just wanted to type. The girls are in bed, and I'm happy that things have been going good. Not great! Everyone of this family including the ones who don't live here are still deeply affected by the loss of Susie. I saw a picture on facebook of Susie. It was the year before she won the Ms. Mckenzie pageant so I did not know her at that time. But just a look at the phtograph, and it was kinda like falling in love again. Made me remember why I adored her then the way I did. Like the song, "The Dance" by Garth Brooks which sadly I had never heard until Joe curtis' funeral.... That time period was the time right before we started 'dancing'. And with all the things we had to go through, No I wouldn't change a thing. When I talk about her beauty now, I'm talking about her heart, her thought processes and just the random kindness she would do; many of the things I never knew until people told me. So, even to miss the pain, I would have never missed the dance. Grief is a terrible thing. And I'm not the only person on Earth who knows about grief. However, I realize this will take some time. The holidays I predict will be hard on us all. If we get through all of that, possibly the new year can really provide the long road back from this grief. I'll digress. And hope everyone is finding the good and funny things in each day in order to keep on going! Paul

So Far So Good

It is a typical weeknight and the house still has a quietness and more that lets me know a very wonderful part of this family is gone. A hole that cannot ever be replaced. Yet a strong lesson painfully learned is to love those around you. Do not take a second for granted. Despite the small things that cause people to get aggravated with one another, you have to ask yourself, "what if I were not able to see this person any longer?" It can really make the petty arguments and other things that we all get wrapped up in not matter that much.

Susie had been having trouble going up our stairs, which are straight up and not kind going up and down them. During the radiation treatments, Susie became a little feeble (thank goodness it was not permanent) and one day she fell down the stairs. We tried as quickly as we could to build a bedroom downstairs out of what kind of served as a game room in the past. So, as the room was just about completed, Susie moved all of her clothes and mine to the new closet. Sadly, the room got finished right about the time of Susie's last hospitalization. None of us knew just how fast this thing was happening... how little time was left. She only got two really good nights to sleep in her bed down here. It became too painful to get off the bed and back on, so she moved to the couch for the remaining days.

Anyway, my point of all of this was that of course after we lost Susie, I couldn't ask her little things. One of those little things was that she had moved every one of my ties and put them somewhere. With the funeral home and funeral and all that followed, I had to wear my suit and I tore this house up looking for one tie! Where on Earth did she put them? They had seemed to disappear. Thank goodness there was one tie that escaped and did not get included with the rest of them and that was the tie that I wore. I wanted to wear my Autism tie, but didn't get that opportunity. But it was as if I wished there were at least a phone line to heaven, where you could call your loved one and ask something totally as simple as, "by the way....where are my ties?" It took more than a month or more and there was a cardboard box in the bottom left corner of the new closet. It had been shut as if packing. I opened this box and inside was everyone of my ties. Maybe you can understand, but I sat down against the wall clutching this cardboard box full of ties and cried my eyes out.

Yet this post was meant to be about how this little family is still going. Both girls have been so good to their father. Maybe they can read me just as well as I can read them and they know how hard I want to be taking good care of them. How, despite my inability to posess that magic which Susie had with these girls, I still with a lot of help from family and friends have been able to keep it going. I know Susie was worried about that. Heck, I was worried about it! Scared so badly that it would all fall apart in my hands. But with that help I've been getting, my children are carrying on. It's not all perfect; in fact quite the opposite in that these two angels have lost their mother at such a young age. My dad lost his father when he was around 10 years old and it affected the rest of his life! So I know the same thing is happening right now, and time will bring challenges that I really wish these girls didn't have to face. But we are making it, and none of us were sure that we would or could! I'm very proud of that. It is hard work, but I do it with more passion than anything I've ever done. I cannot take Susie's place... noone can. But we are going to keep on. Its the most important thing in the world to me.

I just read about the Depression (I'm sure people are thinking..why don't you read something a little lighter?) Our economy right now is in a similar pattern and if you don't learn from the past, well you repeat it so I'm just trying to see parallel things from the thirties and right now. but they dedicate a lot of time to talking about President Roosevelt. He was a completely different person before he was hit with polio, causing paralysis of his legs. The book went into talking about how adversity toughened up this man, and that without that happening it is very likely that he wouldn't have been president AND he would not have the empathy that he learned for the plight of the average American hit hard by the depression. So it is the kind of stuff that makes you think. We in the end are a result of all the things that happen to us. Strange, isn't it? That some of the hardest things in your life make you who you are. If everything were always easy and you never felt pain, you would be completely different. It makes you think. Paul

Autism-

Autism is of course when the parent is first introduced to it and it is their child, NOT WELCOME. You go through a lot of pain. People you just know not even friends who happen to have a child your child's age start the comparison game and in addition to what is starting to happen behaviorally, it's an ice cold dagger. Looking back I guess we built a fortress, pulled in and locked the fortress walls and that was it for a long time. I remember co-workers usually in the morning as everyone's getting going complaining about what their little one did last night. I remember having to just stay stone silent, because it would either blow them away so hard they would feel alienated around me at work which you don't want or the other side of that blade is the ones who don't care. That one was always harder to figure out but it felt sometimes like there was an unspoken thought of, "you must have deserved it or received it for some reason". There was a little of that, not a lot. But at least I stayed quiet. Never knew where to start or stop. That behavioral period lasted for many years and I believe the Spanish Inquisition might have been easier! I just know we loved our children, therefore we were going to win with love. Despite the pain. Now, it is actually hard to remember the bad behavior times. It has been that long. For any living in that nightmare time period, know there is hope..tons of it not that far off. You are in a hurricane and you just have to hold on for dear life! ZR

First Post- Trying to find my feet in this new world

I am experimenting at the same time I am writing my very first entry in this, my very own blog! I would not have imagined this two years ago. Having a blog, having anyone that would want to read something I wrote! For all I know, this could become a blog of one. Me, myself and I. But I must admit that in addition to the war fought against Susie's cancer and our daily fight, I found writing to be peaceful and I loved the interchange of ideas. People would give me thoughts that helped me during our struggle. So, as I respectfully begin to close down the Caringbridge site, I open this one. I've got no grand expectations, but it will allow me a place where I can carry on about lots of things. Great memories from younger days, also input from others who have their own tales and from this, I feel I'll get the most interaction and enjoyment.

First, Old business. Hard to call it that really, but it has not been a full month since I lost Susie. I'll be going along at a good speed when the whole thing will land on me. This person who has been a part of my life, together we made two children, and went through some really hard trials in life is gone. At those moments, you can really get jerked back hard.

So, I'm a widower at 42. I would not have wanted nor wished anything like this on myself or anyone else. My grandmother was widowed when young when my grandfather William Motheral never got to see the Fifties. Only now do I understand some of her in ways I never could before. She had a young son, John, and now owned a pharmacy, yet wasn't a pharmacist. It took hard work for her to overcome and actually succeed and I wish I had her right now to talk to.

Well, I had to start a post, just to see if this thing works! So there it was. Nothing fancy at all. But a definite signal pattern (for any old enough to remember those things on analog tv) that we are up and running. Since I know there aren't any members I don't know how to close but I'll do it the same way I normally do.
Sincerely, PM