Sobbing in the shower

I chose my title because it is exactly what happened today. Whether it would ever be a happy song on the radio I doubt, but I guarantee you anyone who has been in such sadness to do this and has done it.... you have to admit it's a great place to do it!

The house was empty. I had started something I could not finish, which was reading the entry I wrote right after I returned home after Susie had left us. Just having to go back over it. I cannot explain, but it is neccessary and right and I cannot forget this all because of the length of the fight, the commitment we had to each other to fight, and the whole complete wipeout and feeling of failure that morning.

So I closed the book, and cranked up the water and since it was the shower created for Susie when she was feeling bad it has a natural seat in it. The loud crash of water not only drowns out your sound... but your tears go down the drain and you emerge from it all washed through.

This is not easy read material. But it is just the real deal. You go along for a good little while and you are ok. And all of that time, almost (i wish) two years of fighting, I mean...every minute of every day .. the mental fight harder than the physical one on most days.

These holidays did it. Back to reality. Mail just came and every single bill that could come did!! Now everybody can relate to that! I won't sob in shower over that though.
Paul

Thanksgiving Accomplished

We had a wonderful turnout of family and friends. It was hard, and in between laughter and hugs and good times there were many faces that showed a solemn reflection, a large hole in the place where our conductor used to be. I said the prayer, which I remember so often every year Susie would look to me to say the blessing. So often in earlier years I knew there were others who could say a blessing with so much more ease. I never use the same words again, as I notice some people do. I say what comes to my mind at the moment everyone has their head bowed. It causes anxiety and sometimes I would give a good blessing and other times I would want it back. This year, I knew it would be me and I knew it would not be complete without mentioning the big absence physically and in the heart and spirit. I was told I did good. Special moment shared with Victoria, which in itself made the day so special. We made it. Yet it was very very hard.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was bar none Susie's favorite holiday. Year round, the happiest I ever saw Susie in hundreds of situations, were when family was overflowing in the house. You could not disquise the smile, the way she was capable of laughing easier and just a lot of little things.

We are all going to each individually have her on our minds this Thanksgiving. Not one person will be able to go through the motions without it being a large hole that cannot be filled. There are a lot of people still in great pain over this very great shock that she will not be here on that day. From the beginning of the morning before anyone showed up yet, Susie was in her own state of bliss. Very organized, scanning every corner, accounting for all things big and small that would make for a wonderful place to gather, for family and of course, to eat. She was everywhere at once, more concerned with the fact your tea glass was running low than if she had gotten her own meal and eaten it. Every year it was easily one of the happiest days of the year for Susie. She truly found ways to show her love for the people assembled with little things.

In September, which was a lost month to me. Almost with amnesia, it is hard to remember much about it, other than I was very painfully aware of just how much life she pumped in through this home. You only can know the raw and painful feeling of its absence when she was physically gone; a huge crater left where even when sick and weak, she was able to emanate. When we took our vacation, none of us had any idea that it would be just a matter of weeks before our dear wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and more would be gone.

I had had to see this manilla envelope for over half a year whenever I opened a particular drawer. It was taped very tight and it said, 'only to be opened in the event of Susan Putman Motheral's death'. I had the reaction everytime I saw it; I don't ever want to have to open this. When I did, I was shocked most by the brevity of it all. How little she had put in this envelope. Sheets of paper with paragraphs
and each had different wishes or requests for me to honor and carry out
The one that matters tonight is a paragraph that our house must continue to be the host home for Thanksgiving> It was important to Susie that the family not be splintered and that our girls know their family she added it was her favorite holiday and this request was one of the few just heartfelt requests as opposed to other paragraphs that could be labeled unfinished business regarding her posessions et cetera

Despite the sadness that will be felt everyone must realize how important it was for Susie to have written that down I feel in spirit she will be here and it will be a happy feeling although the absence will no doubt cause each of us to have moments of the impact of not having her crusing amongst the groups eating making sure all was well silently beaming and enjoying what she wrote in her paragraph as the happiest day of the year for her she didn"t want sadness and we shouldnt let her down although at times i know i will even now its too early for me to be able to encapsulate this last two years and the extreme emotions just i alone have gone through i will have perspective someday but i know one thing and that is i am going to honor her request with everything i have i sincerely wish a happy thanksgiving to you all at a point during it look around you and relish what you see before you Paul

Holidays

This is going to be a busy week. Abbey's birthday, Thanksgiving, and I am sure something else I haven't thought of yet. I appreciate the patience of the people who have signed on to this blog. As the months pass, I think my ability to think and write will improve. The letdown and exhaustion of our defeat by cancer left me with an empty tank; that's a fact. But like a plant this thing will take watering and care: I am not far away from that> HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Hurricane Katrina

Am I alone in this, or was that not the most horrible reaction time possibly in history? I was watching this piece on PBS, I think the reason for the conversation was the new debate about health care but it had on there a doctor who had worked at one of the hospitals. They were running around with flahshlights to take vital signs the old fashioned ways, food was basically running out and you had a hospital full of people who were in varying states of illness. They went at least five days without any help, any possible way to evacuate. This doctor was talking about how since they were the hospital that took the majority of the poorest people it took the doctor a long time to accept that the reason that they had not received help yet had a lot to do with the economic status of their patient base.

Now I wasn't there to know the whole picture of this particular story but it brought the subject back up for me. I watched as the news poured it on day after day. I mean, it was hard to watch. It did look like Haiti or some third world country, not the USA. The whole subject was so intense for me that I bought a book that was really well done. I think it is called The Great Deluge. The writer was a native of the gulf coast and it remains one of the most well written books I have read in a long time. The writer goes into detail about lets say a dozen or more random people; all of which have their own individual story within the disaster. He divides these up and along with a detailed account of what and when by the government, federal and state, as well as a famous New Orleans DJ who kind of holed up and didn't leave his post for most of the time...that local station was the only information for a whole lot of people during all of this. The DJ would take phone calls, give out survival advice, all kinds of things. I made the mistake of lending this book to someone who then moved away!! Hate it when that happens.

I guess what is shocking is that afterwards considering how big and bad that whole thing was, except for a few books and a documentary, the press as a whole pretty much dropped the thing. You just don't hear about it all that much in contrast to what happened. Of course this is just my opinion, I may be not watching the correct channels and it may be done equal to the insanity of those days. Well, comments are appreciated. I must run. Thanks, Paul

Friday Night

Well in a rare instance the flu or a similar acting virus knocked both myself and Abbey out of the game. Abbey doesn't like to sit around, so when she is fatigued and wraps herself up and lies on the couch you begin to think she is sick. It helped that I was going through the same thing, I had about a one day jump on Abbey so when they called the next day from school and she had a fever I knew it had to be related. Victoria kept her healthy streak going and never slowed down, while the two of us were just feeling awful. I am grateful to Abbey for being such a good patient. Whether it be medicine for her fever, or her cough which took a lot of work to suppress... she might make a face at how bad it tasted, but never refused it. In fact, I think she felt so bad, she welcomed the attempts to make her more comfortable. Today was hard because she is almost over it, despite a 'wet' cough that concerned me and she most definitely had cabin fever and wanted to get back to her routine. But we are almost over it all and I am grateful. As a rule, these girls just don't get sick very often. So hopefully it will be a long while before that happens again.

The girls are doing well and we are quickly heading into the thick of the holidays. Abbey's birthday is the 23rd, which all too often gets squeezed in there with Thanksgiving. Susie didn't write a lot of things in her notes that she left, but one piece of legal pad paper had a list of different little things. Among that was her desire that this house still be the home base and place for Thanksgiving. She wanted the family all here, together. She didn't want it to splinter, where part of the family would go one place and the other part go somewhere else. It is a sweet reminder of her love of family; and her strong sentiment that we all stick together. It will be sad in ways, but this was Susie's favorite holiday. I hope everyone realizes coming together was important to her. There was not one day in which Susie let you cry or get down around her. She had a really solid perspective that did not change. It was important to her that the cousins always have times together and know one another. I'm still in awe of how strong her faith was as well as how strong she was personally.

I would write more but Abbey is doing something very funny. She for some reason wants me off this computer. She asked me to go and get her some paper for which to draw on, and while I was doing that task she came in here and turned off the computer! Funny girl. She has been sweet to me as we both have fought this virus, and I'm grateful to her. Victoria, as always, has helped us and managed to not get sick. She is at the game, and she stays busy just like someone else I know. I'd better go before Abbey comes back to check on me! Please take care and have a great weekend. Despite the bad news about the Vols today, lets hope we win big down at Ole Miss. wooop here comes abbey.... Paul

Made a Change; there is hope!

Since the blog got started, anyone who wanted to tune in and be a part of this particular blog community; the site that created the blog referred to all these good people as followers. I personally did not like that at all. Sounded cultish or something! So, I am proud to say that I found the switch or whatever it was and you are now Bloggers! That's Right!

So, at this rate, in a few years this blog is gonna be jammin!

NITE,
PAUL>>who wants a new keyboard for xmas. please don't pick one out, like a car i'll know it when i see it.

Sorry for the BLOG problems

I am sorry that this thing asks you to be a 'follower'. Sounds like some sort of crazy cult or something. And if you leave a comment at the end, you have to do something complicated or click you are ANONYMOUS, which somebody correctly said felt like the CIA. So, this cultish, CIA thing ... I apologize. I wish I Knew enough about blogs to go in and tweak this stuff out. I suppose some of it has good reasons, if this thing ever went nationwide or something wild I suppose there are stop-gaps in here for certain reasons. But it's so nice to get some feedback. I appreciate it very much. I just stopped typing and realized that I was clicking along at the rate I used to when I would be doing a better job of writing. The click of the keyboard when you're just throwin the words out has its own little musical rhythym. Sort of like type-(tap) dancin. Anyway, I can't stay long, I had just finished a post and complaining about my eyes hurting and head on fire. But I did read where a good friend had to comment and then register as anonymous, and then another amusingly wrote they had now become a follower; to which I don't feel comfortable. I'm sure not asking anybody to follow me anywhere, except down a paragraph or two and if you don't like it or disagree, you can anonymously or get a google account and sign in and tell me what why and how. Ok. Have a good night.
Paul

Renaissance...Sat night...Well Done

It was my pleasure to accompany my daughter and her friend to the Renaissance, (which for me always will still be the old CP church). Before I comment about the wonderful evening, I must talk about that building. Drastically changed now, it once had the most intimate santcuary. Dr. Robert Prosser, now President of Bethel College as well as a long resume of impressive jobs and positions over the years, was the pastor there when I was in my teens. Somewhere along the way as a child I got the impression..or better put 'instructions' to always listen to the sermon. I can't remember the exact day or conversation but it had to be my grandfather. So, even when we attended the Methodist church (mom grew up Methodist, dad grew up CP..halfway along the way, they change churches I think mostly due to my dad's mom..of course without asking me about it and since I was a teenager looking for something to fume about, I probably did for a year or two..all that wasted energy!) But after being told to always listen, whether you agreed with it or understood it or not, I can remember being a pretty little guy and always listening from beginning to end. I also can remember looking around at different times to see how many people were obviously NOT listening; and WOW. The whole ultimate point is that Rev. Robert Prosser is very talented with his sermon writing and the delivery. And the intimacy of that sanctuary... it was small enough to grab every sound, the cracking sound of those old pews stretching out with the people on them, etc. But it was a cozy, comfortable place from which to listen and so from that age forward I cannot go in there without going through just a sea of memories about it.
Saturday Night, a tribute to Rodgers and Hammerstein. Every one of these students were so good it made you proud they were from Bethel. The two piano players...you could not improve their interaction just as much as you could not improve the different duets performed during the night. My daughter is amazing in that she has some genes I don't. An early bird, we got there with a lot of time to spare, but from that we sat where she and her friend wanted to sit which was the front row! You would have had to have been on stage to get closer! But for me and especially during this time that I've been struggling to swim with the rest of the world, it provided me with true relaxation, smiles and a much deeper appreciation of these musicals to which I thought I knew them well only to realize I have only been around them a lot as opposed to using my full ability to listen. And the spirit of fun was infectious. The students up there were all having fun and you sure could sense it.
So it is important to break out. Go do something you haven't done for a long time or ever. It felt good to dress up, however casual that was, it was one notch above normal. Broke out the car I don't drive for weeks at a time. It served as our Vanderbilt Express and so I guess I put too much sad memory there which I shouldn't. Just maybe, the Opryland Hotel with Victoria or something ..if you can squeeze much into that crazy set of weeks that are so soon going to be descending down upon us. I don't like the frenetic way Christmas has become. I mean, the commercials and everything else throws the American at a frenzied pace toward Christmas. One disadvantage of having a marketing degree is that they 'teach' this to people. To study the psychology of people and find out what will make them gallop as hard as they can into the season, half crazed and ready to buy, buy buy. If I had not gone on to pharmacy and stayed within the marketing world, I would be behind the television, finding a new way to get people to buy new ornaments instead of those old ones you used last year or something equally ridiculous.
Well, I had ultimate hopes of being able to post something cohesive and with a big point. I've got a fever that I've had all day and I can feel my head heating back up and the screen hurting my eyes. That's no fun.

But long live the musicals. I never gave them enough credit until my oldest fell in love with them. I was just happy that she was last night. But funny thing, I got caught up in it too. Was truly impressed at the quality and quantity of talent last night. Goodnight.

Eminence Front

The title is a song from the WHO. Written in the eighties, with lots of synthesizer as the 80's seemed to be saturated with. But the words in songs are for me what really holds it together. Steve Richey, my good friend from Greeneville, TN has been one of those who likes to figure out the lyrics in song and especially the funny ones we'll spend a long time working on. Just last night, I finally found out a word in the lyrics to the Rolling Stones song, "Shattered". Not for everyone, but for some reason, I have always liked it. In it, there is a set of lyrics in which Jagger sings, "Schmatta, schmatta, schmatta... I can't give it away on 7th avenue." I have been trying to figure that lyric out for years. Noone ever knew, or cared that much to be truthful. So, I'm watching a documentary on the shrinking American fashion and garment industy which at one time was huge especially in New York City.
My point in all of that above is when I called Steve and told him, he died laughing, not because he had learned what the word meant, but that I had been trying for years to figure out that lyric!

The who song I put in the title is about people putting on fronts; being something other than who they really are and I've always liked it because the song is basically saying, "It's a put on", or cut it out... be yourself. A song I've liked since I was in high school. Why to make it a title for a post that isn't turning out that good except for maybe die hard music lovers I'll never know.

It's been one of those days. Started out fairly well, but at work I found my patience really low. A very strong suit I used to be proud of, because you can have irate people spilling out their anger regarding their insurance changes on you.. and I could always find a peaceful spot and not take any of it personally. I'm just out of practice with it and know I'll get it all back but I'm proud of the pharmacist I am and how I approach it all. Wanting the best outcome for each person that comes in and trusts me for sound advice and direction. It's a good feeling when you do it right and I'm especially proud of our team. They have picked up so much in regard to all aspects of pharmacy and gotten their licenses via the state to be back there and they do an excellent job. If you cannot pick it up, you can't be back there. Super credit to my father who after 50 years in that store is razor sharp and saved me at least a decade of learning the hard way; taking care of people being the prime factor. for instance, if someone is out of a refill on chest pain pill, and doctor is out of town..do not! let that person suffering a chest pain go out of there without giving them that pill. Some places, this happens! Now this doesn't apply to all medicines, etc. And if they have been with us for 20 or more years or even two or three without switching pharmacies, you get a pretty good compass on how that doctor especially if local and you have a good relationship with them on what they want you to do. Most certainly don't want due to a refill technicality someone to suffer a myocardial infarction! I digress. Just wanting to be right back to the same speed I have always been at and due to the past almost two years my mind has been truly preoccupied. So, I'll end this ramble. If anyone got anything at all from it, then God Bless You. I'm trying, and have temporarily lost the cohesion in writing I loved so much and allowed me such release during those high stress times. I'll go and keep at this until I get it back. God Bless.... Paul

Just can't stop writing

Not sure what is doing this, but I just want to be at this keyboard. I should really make this post quick and get on with getting to sleep. I think it may be the oncoming holidays that are working on me. Susie's favorite time of the year; which she would do just so much. By now, she would have the christmas cards ready and I don't have a clue. The tree would be soon to be coming up, however I always begged her to wait until after Thanksgiving. She respected that, because Thanksgiving was her favorite. The house always full and Susie orchestrating just like a conductor with his wand, in total bliss. She didn't write a whole lot in the folder that I had had to see for the better part of a year that said in very large letters with lots of tape to not open unless Susan Motheral's death. I expected a lot of things, but like Susie she kept it very straight and simple. Which made each thing written that much more important actually. Inside there was a small couple of sentences, in it was her wish that Thanksgiving be held here so all the families could be together. It was very important to her that there was no splintering where one group would have it apart from the others. I felt that way myself, so we are going to do it the way we've been doing it for a long long time. Only our conductor can't physically be there. I will be sure she's around, however. So, we will do improv. We will have several conductors and it will be the best meal of the year. But make no mistake, we will miss our conductor, for she had the love for the holidays and that flair to make it like beautiful music. I'll finally stop talking,writing.

Take the time. Enjoy every day. Paul

Another one

My shift key is not working well. This drives me crazy. But I have always been ambidextirous so I'm slowly getting used to my right hand handling the right shift key for my capitals. I have always written with my right hand and possibly it used to be always my dominant hand. Then I 'accidentally' ran over a friend driving a go-cart with my motorcycle in 9th grade leaving bad motorcycle tracks on his back (thank the Lord I did not break it or hurt him worse)...then I went careering into or better put under a 70's model Ford LTD..snapping my right wrist, breaking it. We later found out at the hospital it was broken on a 'growth plate' and at my age this would ultimately deform my right wrist without surgery; so a very embarrassing shot in the rear by a nurse (i was in 9th grade!) and soon they wheeled me to the room where the anesthesiologist got ahold of me and I woke up in my hospital room; unpleasantly confused from the anesthesia. All of this to explain, that year I wrote with my left hand for school, certainly ate with my left hand and as long as the cast was on there, everything else. Showering was a nightmare with a garbage bag badly fitting. Point of all this is ever since I have never eaten with my right hand since. My handwriting is right hand, but can't judge it right because my handwriting has always been bad. Yet if asked which hand is stronger these days, I truly cannot decide. Why did I start this, oh yes the bloody shift key and learning to use the right hand with the right shift key for my capitals. Let's find something else.
I'm very happily learning a larger repetoire of dishes I can make for Victoria. For a person who has never really cooked very much in his entire life, you have to understand how much a victory this is for me at this time period. I have very much taken being the lone parent very seriously; and want to be the one who they think of first when hungry, cold, tired, sad, everything under the stars. I'll never replace Susie..don't want to and I'm sure the children would in secret agree I wouldn't stand a chance trying to do those magic things she did for them. Yet I am determined to be all and do all that is possible. Only after I meet my own impossible standard will I be able to relax and think of other things.
I found a new Jim Croce compilation at a store (can't remember which one) but it thrilled me to hear songs I had never heard before from this songwriter/singer who got cut down way too early. Just songwriting he would have been incredible. His widow and son run a little restaurant I believe called 'Croce's' in San Diego. If anyone is ever in this city, since I don't think i will be travelling there soon, I will happily reimburse you for a shirt/glass, anykind of sturdy memorbilia I am such a fan of his stuff. I'm a music fan bad, and got it honest from my dad so I have so many favorites. I once used a computer database to categorize every CD that I owned; of course this was before I PODs. But it had artist/albulm title/release year/ and about 4 more important categories. I spent years updating and keeping that thing, and printing it ate up a lot of paper. It can be Louis Armstrong, Bill Haley, Beatles, Rolling Stones (who get extra star..they make sure even at this age that if you go to one of their shows, you leave thinking, "that is the best performance I have ever seen!) of course until you see them again. Seventies got so diverse i couldn't possibly name them all. but late seventies/early eighties had some great rock and roll. Pat Benatar, Police, Van Halen the first incarnation, Eagles, most of Don Henley solo..although when I saw the Eagles live, I was blown away by Glenn Frey's singing when I was sure before the show it would be Don Henley who would be the best. Saw Boston live and loved their music. Can't believe that lead singer Brad Delp took his own life. Which makes me remember of course the incomparable Eric Clapton who I never truly appreciated until I saw him live at Knoxville. Such a guitarist he never followed the same path twice. He would just create as he went, and if he started something which would have naturally ended out of sync with the band, he would completely change and brilliantly come right back into it with them. I now regard him as one of my favorites, and his autobiography is so good. He is one of the few who is humbled enough to talk about his alcohol and drug addiction so honestly and truthfully, and then most sincerely talk about how he goes about staying sober. He went to Hazelden, which many consider the very best in the USA. In his book he said Elvis went so far as to drive up to the place (in Minnesota) and while his limo driver stopped, he cracked his tinted window down about half way and then said keep driving! Late eighties music began to change and I had some favorties but not many I just became lifelong fans of. Occassionally someone would come around and I would like it. By some sort of karma accident, I've seen Aerosmith more than any other band. I like Aerosmith, and talk about dysfunction..their auto-biography is a wild book! Just the drug intervention on Steven Tyler made you feel you were in there; everyone in the room afraid of him when they confronted him. But if that band got clean, its hope for every human being in the world! Wild Story.
I don't know if I mentioned it, but I got my water bill the other day and it was for $48,111.15 !!! It took me a bit to come to Earth and realize there had to be a mistake. How much water would cost that? Bethel College's swimming pool which is olympic size or darn close to it wouldn't be that much! A quick call straightened it out, and they were laughing on the other side, so it put me at total ease. I'm going to laminate the thing and think of some wild story to tell someday in the future! Better go! Paul

Blog questions, concerns

For some reason, I am feeling that this blog isn't working out the way I had hoped. Then again, I knew the readership would fall off greatly after Susie passed; Caringbridge was for her and I was only the communicator.. well that's not true exactly. I did pour out my own heart and soul about what was happening to our family. Helpless, but as I was telling Susie's father, we woke up each day with a fighting attitude. Stay positive. Pray. Never give up. I read an article on triple negative just the other day; something I have been very much avoiding since whatever occurs right now it doesn't matter for us. But it talked about how grim the diagnosis was and how with the average toll and ultimate price paid...Susie did really beat the odds for a lot longer than many others with this kind of cancer. The doctor at Vandy had told me that much. That everytime Susie came in, for the longest time until the kidneys started becoming threatened and then the abdomen..that the doctor was silently amazed at Susie. This was in that interview between just the doctor and me. All of it at the time surreal because she was telling me the intestine would probably be the culprit that Susie could not recover from. She also nailed the time left for Susie by less than a week. IT was an exit interview, but also she was preparing me for what I had yet to face. I would recommend this doctor to anyone who finds themself in the same situation. We went to the number one doctor in Triple Negative and flew to N Carolina and this doctor told us she would not do a thing different from Dr. Mayer. Abbey needs me and so off I go. I thought though this blog would have more posts, but I understand.
Paul

Culinary Talents explanding

I was happy to have waiting for my daughter when she got home from school a perfect temperature dish of cheese ravioli! Victoria is very selective with her meals and so its a big compliment when she examines something you've made for her and it passes inspection! So it was a good feeling and being able to not only tackle this part of parenting, make sure they don't go hungry!!

this will be a short post, just thrilled that Victoria not only accepted it, but ate it all. In weeks past I wouldn't have anything in kitchen to feed her in the first place and she would have gone hungry without saying a word! So things are improving and I am happy about that today. Paul

Apology re; blog

I am very proud that this blog is up and in existence. However, anyone who has logged in to view it have probably been underwhelmed in that I haven't written very much. I am proud to be able to say that we are making it! I had a period where I felt inadequate regarding being super-parent to these precious girls. So, I've been making strong effort to learn how to cook things which the girls like to eat; I was getting really good with laundry, but must admit my mother's help has made me get compacent since she has been ironing and making all the girl's clothes look good and selections for Abbey to wear to school; Victoria is old enough to select her own outfits and she has done so good that I find myself wishing I could do more for Victoria. In time I will figure it out. We always enjoy having Starla and Bobby and the cousins come; it helps give this house extra life and the controlled chaos is something I now miss and can see extra happiness with Victoria when they are here. Abbey was taken to a basketball game for the middle school and had a great time! She didn't let the noise bother her and she followed the action of the game as they went back and forth on the court! Definitely more adventures to come for Abbey, who likes being greeted friendly by classmates who now days understand Autism and realize Abbey is very smart and is quite aware of how these classmates give her support. Approval by her peers is something very positive and motivating for Abbey, and she returned from that game in a very good mood. So, with the help of others, I am returning to the land of the living because my daughters are both doing well in the face of this sad time. Their happiness spreads to me, and has helped drag me out of those deep despair moments I felt for months after losing my very best friend.
So, we will keep on...keeping on, and for this I am extremely thankful. PM