Holidays and more

I must apologize to everyone who has read my writing. I confess I have had trouble composing (for lack of better word) thoughts into something I just felt was worthy enough to be up here and occupy anyone's precious time. I have been shocked by word of mouth at how many people DO get on here! I have heard through different people feedback on a particular post... ironically it would be one I would leave here thinking that was terrible.. and would get interesting feedback about it. Positive as well. I do feel good when that happens. Can't harness it and use it at pure will like I would like to but this is fun for me. (I know... makes others scratch head).

I would like to say that the girls and I are getting along. We are doing very well in the very big picture. I have found that I am a good parent, and I'm not so sure I knew that before. If you could harness love in the manner you harness something like solar power, wow... end of any energy crisis. I hold these two very great, yet very unique kids as my most important thing on Earth. I've had help before and after in crafting these two very special kids' lives! Couldn't be more proud of either of them. The holidays are supposed to be very hard on a family after the loss and ... suffering. And they are. Without help I wouldn't have been able to pull out our Christmas tree. In fact the one we used every year did not get pulled out. Too much. Yet a very pretty tree we had, and Victoria went to the box of ornaments which Susie had a special charm regarding. Holidays were big for Susie. Really big in their importance and the excitement for the children. You only notice the vacuum afterwards. Yet Victoria went to the box of ornaments and selected the ones to adorn the new tree, and did very well. Due to my height, I put the angel on the top, and felt somehow complete with that. Getting her straight was the hardest thing I had to do regarding the tree.
What I want to say is that our family enjoyed Christmas and that we did allright. I'm a sentimental man. Always will be. I have too good of a memory, at least for now! But the big point is that there was laughter and love and true reverence for the event. The picture of us all in varied states of just melancholy is not accurate. A lot of things work on your mind, but I must say these girls are and were hardwired to be very strong, albeit gentle and good young ladies. I could not be more proud of them. Without them, I would not be in the good place I am finding myself. I am getting stronger every month! In September you could not have told me this and me believe you. Yet the more powerful I feel day to day, I've noticed ..quite by accident and to my own shock... the girls are getting stronger and more powerful. I was unable to realize at the worst how much my LIVING and my SPIRIT affects them! So with my love already known for these two, and the new things I've learned (of course) the hard way. What do you think I'm about to do?
I'm going to live. My daughters are going to always receive the most love and protection. Without them, I'm not sure what would have become of me. But please my friends be happy. Try to understand how crucial it is for us to see, feel, hear laughter again. I'm only now catching on. But it is crucial for ..well, everything!

I do sincerely hope everyone had happiness, JOY even. I used to say these words and too many years of my life not feel them. Practice them. Yet in a world, in which hard things can happen to the best of people without warning... you must Strive to Be Happy. I just heard my daughter's beautiful laughter from a room farther from here. It's beautiful music. Have a Happy New Year.... Paul Thomas Motheral

Think I might sing

I am a music fanatic. Can't explain that deep enough. Not only the music but the history of all behind it. I guess a hobby. I worked so hard to collect well over five hundred and way more pristine kept CD's convinced they were the best of technology and this IPOD came along! Holding hundreds of songs. But I loved jacket cover art, especially on the big records. But I also work real hard on the lyrics of my most favorite songs, which there are hundreds. If asked to name my favorite top 20 songs, it would be impossible. But I have watched some of these legends get older as well as their voice, and so they sing differently and not so high and they still make the crowd clap. I thought one night, I can't play an instrument, but there has to be value in the fact I know almost every word to hundreds of songs! Then again, I've never tried this in a practical application so no concert anytime soon!
That's all. Just as Chuck Berry sang, tonight I;ve got no particular place to go tonight. Suppose I'll try to find something to do. I've got to start getting out more, although it isn't easy; have to have it all set up. Possibly my typical last minute Christmas shopping which I need to spend a day or evening in Jackson but the crowds will deter me when I really think about it. Online shopping has been the best!
And I'm just rambling, rambling. Victoria was so good in school play. I was just entertained by the whole cast and thought they were all perfect. That was a good night and I enjoyed very much being there to see my girl. Always causes me so much happiness. OK I must find something to do.

Late Evening of course

I'm up late... of course! Since a very little boy I don't know if genes began to go to work or if it was the fact that my parents would send me to bed then laugh hysterically at Johnny Carson from the den. I can remember being really little and being so mad! What's the deal? Throwin me in this dark room and going back in the big room and having a big ole time? I guess I'm still doing that somehow. I can remember a high school kid and always being one of the last ones to head for home; that time when you had scouted the four lane for any of your last friends to emerge and they were gone. I don't recommend it to anyone. Just telling the truth. I will say you find out a lot of things you wouldn't know any other way that late... but all in all not enough to warrant it.
That's something that kids don't do now. I'm not sure what they are doing, and maybe that's why generations change it all up. We just drove all over the place since there wasn't much else to do. I had a pet peeve about driving so the people with me had to be passengers; and I had most of the control over what music we were listening to. One of the best compliments I got was after I had moved away to Knoxville and I was so lonely. A friend had caught up with me over a weekend home and told me he was with another friend who used to cruise the backroads with me. That friend said they were together and one of them said, Paul sure had some good music he carried around with him. I've never forgotten that tiny little statement. To me it was a huge compliment ... and I did take pride in listening to at that time what a bunch of ragged teenage boys thought was good music. We were above average however. All past. But some of the music has held up. Music can really lift me. I have a great ear; just no real talent. But I can watch some cartoon I've never seen and look over at Victoria who doesn't care and say, That's the woman from that show that used to be on 10 years ago. And I will be right. Yeeaaaahhh!
All of this attempted humor is really a good sign. It may not be funny, but the mere fact I'm mining for gold is a healthy sign from deep within. What else?
I'm listening to a song right now where the guy said a lyric, 'I'm a songwriter, a professional dreamer" ... sounds like a cool job. I could write a song but it would be on the equivalent of Happy Birthday as opposed to anything that won a grammy. I don't know King Tut by Steve Martin was pretty stupid and I rocked on that for a long time in the seventies. Goes to show you. Some of greatest songs in history aren't that HARD. Louis Louis? Course the genius is around the words and the total incoherence of those words. I almost wrote Ray Charles, "Whatd I Say" but that song is pure genius. The Beatles when they didn't have a lot of songs yet written would start that song when they played in Germany and just never stop it. Almost a whole hour on guitars and drums doing the same hook over and over and over. I think that's hilarious but also genius.
OK I'm ending the most rambling post I've ever put on here. Hope it's an underground hit. Paul's gonna live, friends. Some of you may have known that, but Paul didn't. I'm gone.

What do you do with Good Ole Boys Like Me?

Often when I have to write a title, I just enter whatever is up there in the 'attic of my mind'. I had just happened to have been thinking about the Don Williams song of this title. I own a truck, but suspect many dont and wouldn't classify me in the good ole boy category. But I don't know if there is a hard and fast litmus test for these things. I don't think I'm bad; therefore I've got good going for me. Ole is a word.. let me go back to the song and how Don uses it. Well, upon thinking about it Don is talking about men who aren't teenagers, so I might well qualify for Ole too! That leaves boy. Will still have to refer to Don and his song and how he uses it. I think it just simply means not girl, so yes.. using amazing powers of logic I am a Good Ole boy! didn't know that. And to further don's song.. what do you do with them?
I hope some of you have been able to at least smile at the above. I was having fun with it. The song belongs in my top few hundred songs for a lot of reasons. It is a soothing song. The lyrics use powerful images, and describes a man who is going back in his mind at different times; the first part his childhood. How his father woud come in at night with "Gin on his breath, and a bible in his hand". Talking about honor and good things the boy should no.. then stagger a little as he exited the door. This is powerful songwriting. with the right chords, which Don provides.

Proud to at this time announce that I don't think any of the above just matters a whole lot to this post. I do like the way the song lyrics say, "And those williams boys they still mean a lot to me.... Hank and Tennessee". That's talent, man. I guess it matters if you like Don williams or not. Don is older guy, my only chance to ever see him would be Tunica or the place in Missouri. I still would like to see him, but it is possible Don doesn't tour anymore. He has this raspy but gentle low voice and I can listen to entire disc of his stuff and music can make me happy.

September was by far the worst month after Susie wasn't here any more. The acorns had only started being freed from their oak trees, and so I will never forget that period of time. The house empty. So empty. And the whole house all throughout the day being bombarded by these huge acorns which always took a long time to totally bounce down the house and into the yard. I swear if acorns could be converted to gasoline or gold or something, I would be a rich man. 50 oak trees give or take inside my back yard. Squirrel heaven! You should see these healthy and big old squirrels!

As to how we are. I know we are doing better. At first your mind plays this trick on you that if you start getting better, that means you are bad because you are forgetting Susie and not being crushed and crying all day must mean it all didn't mean that much to you. I've been through too much pain by now to believe that or even listen to that. we survived Thanksgiving. It was very hard because we missed Susie dearly. You don't spend that long with someone and not have the equivalent of phantom pain (when someone loses a leg they claim they still feel it because to the brain it has been there always). December is not going to be an easy month. Susie would have turned 42 this year? Six months younger than me. We used to joke about that. Today is Susie's birthday. I spent this week bracing. Thought I would have a tailspin like I have for every other thing that has happened. It didn't happen this time. Doesn't mean I'm not only aware of the day. It just means that I am powerless about it. Of course there is a sadness. But if Abbey tonight wants to laugh and play should I abstain and not let this sweet child laugh? We all know this answer. Susie would lead the way were she here about it. If I had not come back from the hospital during my time of trouble; I knew in the hospital that Susie would do things right. I was 39 then. I was awake but noone knew it. I could hear everything being said, but could not even move a finger. yet I pictured susie and how practical she was and knew the children would always be taken care of... and that Susie would in time probably marry again. You would think that would have bothered me since I had nothing to do but think. Yet I had confidence Susie would survive... even in the big cancer fight, susie was a survivor until the cancer just dominated. 10 years ago or more she and I were going down I 40 in Knoxville going to dinner most probably. We were talking and she said, If something happens to you, I would never marry again you know. I was driving and so probably just said, "Oh is that right?" and playfully she said right. Then after a pause, she playfully said, "I take that back... I might have to marry again, but I'll never love him as much as you." Of course we were young and kidding one another on a beautiful night on the way to one of our favorite restaurants. In the hospital I did just want to say one thing. Be Careful. Make sure He doesn't lie, hit, or worse not care for those children. Yet I also had great confidence in her that her love for these kids would make that a given anyway.
I'm sorry Susie did not see her birthday. Yet if she were to be in the shape that the cancer was starting to cause her to be in pain and very uncomfortable; Susie herself was ready... more than anyone else I've ever at this point in my life known. If they celebrate birthdays in heaven, it will be a spectacle! The rest of us of course miss her sorely. Yet this is one of first times that I have peacefully accepted this today. Of course today is brand new. The first person who would be telling us all to snap out of it would be Susie.
Thanks for listening

Getting Better

This may sound strange, but despite this undercurrent of guilt about it, I am getting better. My sense of humor is coming back, and I'm sure the people I work with and work FOR appreciate that. The guilt is another thing. When you go through something as long and as ominous and terrible as this ..well... Susie and I had a bond; taken years to do and most of the time under happy times and the other before cancer under incredible duress. you make or break during this. Even when on each other's last nerve for long periods of time there was an implicit pact. Upon diagnosis, we transcended even that. I will honestly tell you as I told her, I don't remember how to live without you so there's this piece of me that wants to go wherever you are going. This may sound macabre. Dramatic. whatever...it's not. It is the mental and spiritual pain you are forced to go through. I'm grateful Susie understood, and of course the girls stayed the unspoken and spoken focus the entire journey. I, feeling, not as great a parent as she felt immense guilt these children be robbed so young of someone who loved them so well. Equally. I love them just as powerfully as she, but her flair with them was magic and it is my love for them for which I say this. I know they hurt, and I feel inadequate at times because I lack that maternal ability. You cannot replace that...only love them with all you have. Aunts and grandmothers and other treasured friends of Abbey are taking a lot of the slack in this particular arena.. but I'd be lying if I did not tell you how much I do hate that particular piece of it.
But I can't do these beautiful children right being in permanent state of grief as I was in past months. So coming back to life inside despite feelings of guilt is essential. The guilt centers around an irrational fear I'm in the tiniest way forgetting Susie, and Susie would be first to straighten me out. "Cut it out" would be a phrase I might get or may be getting. Were this all reversed I have no doubt Susie would like a diesel engine just amaze everyone with her ability to keep her eye on the ball and despite whatever deep feelings she would always have would do what was needed not only for the kids but for her. I have no doubt. When in the hospital, when it was the grimmest for me; I could hear everything and despite people coming in who were actually believing they were saying goodbye to me (I kid you not and they would back me up I was in that bad of shape!) I knew they were saying goodbye to me and so was convinced I wasn't leaving that hospital in the good way! But Susie stayed strong. She saw to my every need, never let one visit go unwatched by her but when some of the people who broke down when they saw me, I could hear Susie with her cheery voice helping them when if it had been reversed I just don't tick that way. All I did want was to do was say a short few things to susie before leaving. Be careful. But in my worst moments I wanted and expected Susie to carry on and knew she would. How fleeting this life can be, how fast the winds can shift. She probably was in Stage One TNBC then. So thank GOD my body refused to shut down.
So, I may cry tonight as I have one million times. But I'm going to live and that's good for everyone. I sure don't have it all figured out. But I am convinced that, changed for life, I am going to stay in control of my life for the rest of it. Noone can understand, love and have the desire to protect these beautiful children as me. Some come real close, but as hard as it is and as hard as it sure seemed and scared me so bad upon Susie's departure. I'm starting to not feel so lost. Long term forecast is that God Willing... I'm going to be fine. God Bless You ALL...Paul

Good post in a reply

If anyone could catch my reply to an old friend who wrote some things on my last post, my answer was one of best I've had in a long while. So instead of giving you a post, just read that. I liked it. Paul

Lost in Translation

So, here I am. Don't have any particular place to go. Loneliness? Pretty much a given. Yet it is one of my greatest adversaries. Enough to swamp any one individual who tries. And me, weakened by the whole ...experience, at times unable to measure when its too little or too much. I thank God something deep inside guides me toward the light. Light of happiness, humor and all that I remember and treasure. And who can really understand the fact that it is like an unpredictable 'rogue' wave that comes at you and if you don't alienate, or just make some just slightly uncomfortable you find yourself with more of the same. Of course the children are my blazing light regarding what to stand with sword in hand at the gates. Yet, until I graduate to seeking other adults and having the energy for it (another thing impossible to explain), its you and the tv. And I'm not doing any favors typing out things that make others just plain uncomfortable.
Once when living in Knoxville I happened to call on a friend. He and his beautiful wife had just gotten married and I guess were in their first year when she found out she was going to have a baby. She had just returned from the doctor when I picked up the phone and decided to call. The doctor had informed her that they had discovered via ultrasound a congenital defect that once removed from the cord, the child would not be able to live. I was the first human being other than the doctor who reached this friend at this horrible time. She was not even able to reach her husband with it and as a result I got the full avalanche of just pain. Her religious views meant that no alternative existed but carrying their precious child to term, only to then have to experience the child's death at the same time. And worse, all of the months up until this, they would have to cope and hold on to one another and know that all of this was coming. What did I do? I did a very human thing. The pain was so great, so intense was the heat and pain of these people I cherished as good friends that I quit calling them. It didn't take many years for me to lose contact with them and only recently have I reestablished that precious friendship. But for years, everytime my mind drifted to these two wonderful people, my head would bow with the shame that I abandoned them. As different hardships have fallen on me I reflect back. with my reconnection with these two wonderful people who now have 3 children who are healthy and happy, I have dove headfirst into telling them my sorrow and guilt. They were just too kind in forgiving me. So I understand all too well.
I hear Abbey coming, she'll cut my computer off. Don't get me wrong, these children are my life. But I am lonely and must seek out other adults and try to block and hide my pain and not even mention it if I can to rejoin the human race