It has been hard to write. You have to plug in, start, get to site, log in and hope that all of that goes well and whatever you felt like writing, you find yourself at a new cliff when it is time to shove off and write. But I'll try to stand close to the title subject.
Have had some good friends come around and check on me. Been grateful for that, because I definitely went through that period every person who knew warned me about. There is this little hitch in time where everyone I think is afraid they've not understood where I am standing and thinking.. it is the time when they told me, a hard part is when everybody quits checking in. It is a lonely thing, and it leaves this house with all its memories which are still more than memories, they are set habits and all have been kind of lost, unless you can remember them all. And you don't. My entire vantage has been to be central with my girls, and there it has stayed. Their tendencies of their mom, I not only admire but wish I had that same thing; that tenacity to keep on. Yet strong emotion is still at hurricane force (for me), which means it has to be for these children and the rest of the family. So you basically are still free falling and hurting, and you know you haven't reached whatever the bottom may be... but amazingly, way down deep I have a warm light way down inside that guides me and I know in time, with work, I'm going to be ok; which of course means the children have to be from every measure I can take, they have to be doing fine before I think about myself. There's the trick.. I have to come about despite these strong feelings that are really really hard and be ok for them. So, this is where we are... most definitely together and a family as well as extended family and as my friend told me today, "do you know how much people are behind you"? I honestly replied, that I'm in a situation and I guess of shock, or some other emotion that may not have a good definition that blinds me and so I don't call out or call on it... but it felt good to hear it was still there. Of course, I'm just working on the Maslow hierarchy of needs. Sleep, wow, what's that. Food, you think that would be easy, but no. I am at beck and call to every possible sound or other that either of my girls need me. Trying to make sure they know I've got it down, I'm ready and I want to just hug them (if they'd let me). Yet, these girls have their mother's very tough spirit. I just admire it and thank God they have it. I don't. So, I'm working hard to just keep up with them and I so pray they can tell and know that I'm supra-sensitive to helping them. Yet their individual natures play out, and they are going about business at a remarkable rate. But I can't stop this phase I am in, which is uni-parent, responsible for all. And I'm determined that these children are going to thrive! better end with that. Thanks. This was a hard post. Very hard. The ease of words is not there as once. But hey, the last thing I am going to do is surrender. Were I alone, don't know. I guess in long run I doubt it. But I do know which way is up. I realize suffering is everywhere, everyday. I'm not exclusive, nor my family. I could get more of some unknown event tommorow, so savor what you have at the moment you have it. But grief does disable the response time. Peace. Love. Never Surrender. Don't sweat small stuff. I'm rambling! -ha- but its positive rambling,so maybe a good sign for the future. Till next time, I'm going to try to write more after my friend told me it was gonna be good for me. I think he's right! I'll get my rhythym back; when I'm still waiting for that. Sincerely, Paul
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Hi Paul - It can never be easy. I think the only way is to put one foot in front of the other and do what has to be done. There! I did that, now I can move onto something else. Clearly, you are doing exactly what Abbey and Victoria need and I also suspect that they are returning this back to you. You are re-organizing as a family and both of your girls are there for you and each other.
ReplyDeleteI do want to comment that sometimes help along the way comes in the form of talking with other people who are going through the same life experience, namely, raising children alone. I know of people who have benefitted from contact with Parents without Partners and maybe this would be something for you to consider. I actually took the liberty of looking up Tn. chapters and there is one in Jackson. Have no idea how far or close that is to you but it may be a good outreach conversation with someone who has been there, even if it's not close to you city. The phone # is 731-983-0705.
Hope you have a peaceful Sunday. Laura
Due to a few different close people I have quite a bit of experience with this group. Fabulous group, I could not agree more. But, not for me.. right now. If they aren't in grief, they don't need me right now. I'm not ready. But I respect and appreciate the advice. There is a lot of overlap and common concern within these groups about their children and their fear of meeting all needs, all by themself. But these girls have lost their mother. Their world has just been turned upside down; more extreme than me or my own inside grief or problems. There is never a replacement for their mother, but I do believe enough of Susie's family who all have pieces of Susie within them as well as all family, etc. And then special individuals to whom I've known a long long time. And the other intangible, which I am sorry, some of you friends have run into me when I wasn't sure who was calling.... I'm hyper protective of my cubs right now. Poor friend of mine on the phone today called my landline which only gives me rough telemarketers who won't say no and some will try a sales angle I never could believe. My mind blindly decided that the phone call had to be a telemarketer so that was already decided. Then I hear my daughter being asked her name and how is she or you could tell they were being kind and friendly. Phone is laid down and by this time I am blindly walking toward that phone. Wherever its my bank card wanting me to try some new promotion or its the cable company for the one hundreth time, this is the bad time to be trying to ask questions. So, I get on the phone and the first question after is this Paul, is "was that your daughter"? Still completely blind, I barrell into this person, 'and what exact business is that of yours'. It was a good friend from New York! Thank GOD NEW YORK because she probably never saw a problem in the way I was assertive. In New York you sometimes have to be. She and her husband have a little girl with Autism and we all have been friends for some time. But I felt very bad for the way I handled that. I was forgiven. I think. It is an example of my heightened state of taking care of these girls and that if any threat of any nature comes at them, I will likely over-react. I pray I don't. Today has been great as well as a little off schedule. Hope sleep can come easily tonight, but its not looking great. Someday,I'll be able to sleep. Just right now, I'll sleep when it happens. Paul
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