I chose my title because it is exactly what happened today. Whether it would ever be a happy song on the radio I doubt, but I guarantee you anyone who has been in such sadness to do this and has done it.... you have to admit it's a great place to do it!
The house was empty. I had started something I could not finish, which was reading the entry I wrote right after I returned home after Susie had left us. Just having to go back over it. I cannot explain, but it is neccessary and right and I cannot forget this all because of the length of the fight, the commitment we had to each other to fight, and the whole complete wipeout and feeling of failure that morning.
So I closed the book, and cranked up the water and since it was the shower created for Susie when she was feeling bad it has a natural seat in it. The loud crash of water not only drowns out your sound... but your tears go down the drain and you emerge from it all washed through.
This is not easy read material. But it is just the real deal. You go along for a good little while and you are ok. And all of that time, almost (i wish) two years of fighting, I mean...every minute of every day .. the mental fight harder than the physical one on most days.
These holidays did it. Back to reality. Mail just came and every single bill that could come did!! Now everybody can relate to that! I won't sob in shower over that though.
Paul
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Paul - When you think about it, it was almost a therapeutic necessity to sob it all out after the family togetherness and warmth of Thanksgiving, also mixed with the reality that Susie is not longer with you all. It's all right to cry, but you know that.
ReplyDeleteDonna and I have spoken to you about the value of a grief support group, and I'm thinking maybe if you could just make contact with the group leader just to see what the setup is with the group. Can't hurt.
Take care of yourself. Hope your beautiful daughters are well.
Laura
I have cried in the shower, was standing and actually sat down and cried.
ReplyDeleteI want to send you a hug!
I think you miss Susie bunches, and Thanksgiving was a first. And am guessing it is, like wanting Susie passing to be a bad dream, and that more then anything in the world, would not to have the firsts in the future, the other days that are special like Christmas and Valentines and the official date of the first date or anniversay or engagement date, and I think you loved Susie with all you are, have and will be.
Like the ending of the movie Ghost, and 5 more minutes that would just be you TWO again as one.
Sending again another hug!
PS Couldn't post the other day, hopefully this one will go through.