Getting Better

This may sound strange, but despite this undercurrent of guilt about it, I am getting better. My sense of humor is coming back, and I'm sure the people I work with and work FOR appreciate that. The guilt is another thing. When you go through something as long and as ominous and terrible as this ..well... Susie and I had a bond; taken years to do and most of the time under happy times and the other before cancer under incredible duress. you make or break during this. Even when on each other's last nerve for long periods of time there was an implicit pact. Upon diagnosis, we transcended even that. I will honestly tell you as I told her, I don't remember how to live without you so there's this piece of me that wants to go wherever you are going. This may sound macabre. Dramatic. whatever...it's not. It is the mental and spiritual pain you are forced to go through. I'm grateful Susie understood, and of course the girls stayed the unspoken and spoken focus the entire journey. I, feeling, not as great a parent as she felt immense guilt these children be robbed so young of someone who loved them so well. Equally. I love them just as powerfully as she, but her flair with them was magic and it is my love for them for which I say this. I know they hurt, and I feel inadequate at times because I lack that maternal ability. You cannot replace that...only love them with all you have. Aunts and grandmothers and other treasured friends of Abbey are taking a lot of the slack in this particular arena.. but I'd be lying if I did not tell you how much I do hate that particular piece of it.
But I can't do these beautiful children right being in permanent state of grief as I was in past months. So coming back to life inside despite feelings of guilt is essential. The guilt centers around an irrational fear I'm in the tiniest way forgetting Susie, and Susie would be first to straighten me out. "Cut it out" would be a phrase I might get or may be getting. Were this all reversed I have no doubt Susie would like a diesel engine just amaze everyone with her ability to keep her eye on the ball and despite whatever deep feelings she would always have would do what was needed not only for the kids but for her. I have no doubt. When in the hospital, when it was the grimmest for me; I could hear everything and despite people coming in who were actually believing they were saying goodbye to me (I kid you not and they would back me up I was in that bad of shape!) I knew they were saying goodbye to me and so was convinced I wasn't leaving that hospital in the good way! But Susie stayed strong. She saw to my every need, never let one visit go unwatched by her but when some of the people who broke down when they saw me, I could hear Susie with her cheery voice helping them when if it had been reversed I just don't tick that way. All I did want was to do was say a short few things to susie before leaving. Be careful. But in my worst moments I wanted and expected Susie to carry on and knew she would. How fleeting this life can be, how fast the winds can shift. She probably was in Stage One TNBC then. So thank GOD my body refused to shut down.
So, I may cry tonight as I have one million times. But I'm going to live and that's good for everyone. I sure don't have it all figured out. But I am convinced that, changed for life, I am going to stay in control of my life for the rest of it. Noone can understand, love and have the desire to protect these beautiful children as me. Some come real close, but as hard as it is and as hard as it sure seemed and scared me so bad upon Susie's departure. I'm starting to not feel so lost. Long term forecast is that God Willing... I'm going to be fine. God Bless You ALL...Paul