Lost in Translation

So, here I am. Don't have any particular place to go. Loneliness? Pretty much a given. Yet it is one of my greatest adversaries. Enough to swamp any one individual who tries. And me, weakened by the whole ...experience, at times unable to measure when its too little or too much. I thank God something deep inside guides me toward the light. Light of happiness, humor and all that I remember and treasure. And who can really understand the fact that it is like an unpredictable 'rogue' wave that comes at you and if you don't alienate, or just make some just slightly uncomfortable you find yourself with more of the same. Of course the children are my blazing light regarding what to stand with sword in hand at the gates. Yet, until I graduate to seeking other adults and having the energy for it (another thing impossible to explain), its you and the tv. And I'm not doing any favors typing out things that make others just plain uncomfortable.
Once when living in Knoxville I happened to call on a friend. He and his beautiful wife had just gotten married and I guess were in their first year when she found out she was going to have a baby. She had just returned from the doctor when I picked up the phone and decided to call. The doctor had informed her that they had discovered via ultrasound a congenital defect that once removed from the cord, the child would not be able to live. I was the first human being other than the doctor who reached this friend at this horrible time. She was not even able to reach her husband with it and as a result I got the full avalanche of just pain. Her religious views meant that no alternative existed but carrying their precious child to term, only to then have to experience the child's death at the same time. And worse, all of the months up until this, they would have to cope and hold on to one another and know that all of this was coming. What did I do? I did a very human thing. The pain was so great, so intense was the heat and pain of these people I cherished as good friends that I quit calling them. It didn't take many years for me to lose contact with them and only recently have I reestablished that precious friendship. But for years, everytime my mind drifted to these two wonderful people, my head would bow with the shame that I abandoned them. As different hardships have fallen on me I reflect back. with my reconnection with these two wonderful people who now have 3 children who are healthy and happy, I have dove headfirst into telling them my sorrow and guilt. They were just too kind in forgiving me. So I understand all too well.
I hear Abbey coming, she'll cut my computer off. Don't get me wrong, these children are my life. But I am lonely and must seek out other adults and try to block and hide my pain and not even mention it if I can to rejoin the human race